The Box (Review)

What I knew going in:
Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, and Robert Langella in a thriller about a woman who is given a choice:  Do nothing, or push a button.  When the button is pushed, someone you don't know dies and you receive 1 million dollars.

Hype:
Meh.  This looked like a 2009 version of Indecent Proposal.  One in which you don't know what the person is going to choose until the end, and you have no idea what the consequences of the choice are.  I though the movie would be all about the moral implications of the choice.

Opening Thoughts:
Holy Crap.  She pushed the button in like the first 20 minutes.  Up till that point it was exactly what I was expecting.  Then...  What was that?  Hunh?  CIA, NSA, NASA, FBI....  Okay, this film just took a major left turn...

Bottom Line:
Not at all what you think it is.  Not at all what the previews portray the plot to be about.  This is a Sci-Fi Thriller which should remind you of some of the old classics of the genre such as Collussus: The Forbin Project, and The Quiet Earth.  Without going into too much detail this film is wierd, creepy, and different.  It's not all perfect, and it is a little slow to get started, but in my book its something that any futurist and intellectual should watch.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362478/

Ink (Review)

What I knew going in:
An indie Sci-Fi Action flick in which people going to sleep have their dreams affected by the forces of good or the forces of darkness for nefarious purposes.  No mainstream actors or directors in this one.  Just pure B movie fun.

Hype:
Hobo Ass - Lets face it, B movie's aren't exactly known for their quality.

Opening Thoughts:
Wow that is a very original effect.  The bad guys look genuinely creepy with this wierd window like special effect.  And the action is pretty good too. 

Bottom Line:
While you can see the thrust of the plot coming from a mile away, this is a pretty good film with enough originality to it that I can recommend it.  Its wierd, esoteric, and needed a better music director desperately, but shows a lot of promise.  Good job Double Edge.  I'll be watching out for your next film.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1071804/

Igor (Review)

What I knew going in:
John Cusack highlights an ensemble cast kids movie about the assistant to all of the Evil Scientists the world has known.

Hype:
Meh.  Its a kids movie and I am pre-screening it for my niece. 

Opening Thoughts:
Totally digging Scamper and Brian.  Its pretty funny so far. 

Bottom Line:
Kids.  Fun.  Enjoyed it.  Not much else to say.  Its nothing you haven't seen before but its good while it lasts.  Not so sure my niece will like it as there are some monstery scares in it and she's 7.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465502/

Harry Brown (Review)

What I knew going in:
Michael Caine kicks ass and takes names revenge killing a bunch of British Hooligans and Drug Dealers who have killed his best friend.

Hype:
Meh.  I only found out about this movie via the internets and since I like a good revenge film and I know Michael Caine from all of his spy works I thought what the hey.

Opening Thoughts:
Introduction to the characters is boring as hell.  It has good character development though as Caine is getting darker and darker moving towards his old Marine persona. 

Bottom Line:
Its not half bad.  Harry's a badass, kicks some tail, and takes names.  What you want out of a revenge film is to see a normal mature calm male that turns into a savage killing machine as his emotional psyche is shattered by traumatic events.  The best recent films in this genre are Death Sentence, Punisher War Zone, and Man On Fire, but this one certainly isn't any worse than Taken or Law Abiding Citizen. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289406/

The Rebound (Review)

What I knew going in:
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Justin Bartha in another Romedy.  Why do I do this to myself?  Maybe its because Romedies are the only things being released these days, especially around the holidays.

Hype:
Hobo Ass.  I don't think much more needs to be said.

Opening Thoughts:
There is a scene near the beginning of this film that is priceless.  When an Angry Zeta-Jones beats up on Bartha in a women's self defense class its money. 

Bottom Line:
Shockingly realistic.  Its got its laughs here and there, but mostly it hits the way life really is.... until we hit the overly sappy ending.   What has me going however, is something I'm not going to go into here.  If you know me you might ask me about it sometime.  The revelation is ... staggering.  In the meantime, if romedies are your thing you'll probably enjoy this one.  It won't rock your world or anything, but if I started listing the things I have done to pass 90 minutes of time...  well lets just say this wouldn't be a blog - it would be a shopping list of stupidity.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1205535/

2012 (Review)

What I knew going in:
John Cusack in a disaster flick from Director Roland Emmerich, famous mostly for Independance Day.

Hype:
Meh+ Special effects were going to rule the roost in this one and that usually means theater worthiness. I am more than a little worried about the plot...

Opening Thoughts:
Uh-oh... the plot is familiar, as is the pacing and cinematography... At least the FX are not disappointing. They are amazing. I am getting to see things I've never seen before in a film during some pretty tense scenes and its fun watching the planet tear itself apart.

Bottom Line:
While 2012 is definately fun, you've seen this movie before when it was called Independance Day. From the heroic but divorced main character to the bumbling husband to the honorable and forthright President almost every character in the film is taken right from ID4. And if that wasn't bad enough, the plot is a mishmash of psuedo science that is as confusing as it is far fetched. Its great mindless entertainment, so don't expect anything more.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1190080/

Inglourious Basterds (Review)

What I knew going in:
Brad Pitt in Quentin Tarantino's latest film.  Tarantino, known for his shocking brutality on film and off screen eccentricities directs a World War II epic in which a group of American Jews exact vengeance during wartime against the Nazi army responsible for the Holocaust.

Hype:
Meh.  While normally QT's directing is good, I have seen enough WW2 flicks and killed enough Nazis in various video games over the years to fill a Solar System.  And yes, that means in excess of 50 or 60 billion.  So I wasn't all that excited to see this movie.

Opening Thoughts:
The initial sequence is brilliant and powerful, not at all what I expected.  The second sequence is also very very well done.  I am really getting into this movie and I can't wait to see what happens next...

Bottom Line:
The first 20 minutes are amazing and then it takes a downward turn so sharp you think you're heading off a ski jump.  I knew it was going to be a two and a half hour epic, and unfortunately, you have to site through two hours of boredom so snoozeworthy that by the end of the movie not only do you know exactly what is going to happen, but its not even exciting.  The only gratification is when the film ends you can actually say you sat through it.  Now, its not quite as slow as Death Proof, but its still absolutely painful.  Since his last three films, including  Kill Bill 2, were all in this "watching paint dry to dialogue" vein I am almost dreading the upcoming release of Kill Bill 3.  I'll see it, but I'm no longer looking forward to it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/

The Proposal (Review)

What I knew going in:
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in the latest romedy.  I wouldn't even watch this except that a youger female friend of mine said it was her favorite movie.  Is it worthy of favorite movie status?

Hype:
Are you kidding?  Hobo Ass all the way.

Opening Thoughts:
Bullock has never been that cute, and when she acts like a raging bitch in the beginning of this movie its probably the least amount of acting she's ever had to do.  And really Ryan Reynolds?  I mean he's got to be (checks IMDB) 12 years her junior.  He looks like a baby in this movie. 

Bottom Line:
Is it funny?  Yeah, its got its moments.  Is it romantic?  Yeah its got those too.  But what in the world makes it better than the 9 million other romedies out there?  Is it better than The Princess Bride?  Nope.  Meet the Parents?  Nope.  Even Pretty Woman, which I despise?  Nope.  This film is so cookie cutter I could make cuckolded little gingerbread men out of it.  There is no better example of the fact we are headed towards a matriarchal society than this film.  Now I need to go watch Die Hard just to balance the galactic scorecard and regain my manhood.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1041829/

Saw 6 (Review)

What I knew going in:
Will the long overlived overdone series finally be finished?  What can they do to top the gruesomeness that was the first five?  How high will the body count rise this time?  What?  You expected me to tell you who was in it and who its directing it?  Like it matters?

Hype:
Meh.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I like the first 5, cause I am a sucker for gore with a plot.  And lets face it, compared to 95% of the other horror films out there, Saw's plots sparkle like gold.

Opening Thoughts:
Let the games begin!  Or rather continue for a sixth straight movie...and... Ouchy.  Screaming, screaming, and more screaming.  Mmmmmm more gore.  I'm hungry. 

Bottom Line:
Its exactly what you want from a Saw movie.  A kind of wierd twisted plot, some serious gore and mess, and people killing each other.  If you liked the first 5, you'll like this one.  Because of this, it has a very very limited audience.  Lets hope that there is not a Saw for next Halloween.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1233227/

Funny People (Review)

What I knew going in:
Judd Apatow of 40 year old virgin fame directs a movie about a dying comedian starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen.

Hype:
Meh.  Pure comedies usually split into two parts - the Before when they are just trying to be funny, and the After when you have the moral lesson.  Lets hope this one stays funny all the way through and with a pedigree like this one has, I expect decent things.

Opening Thoughts:
Really?  All the funny parts that have been in the movie were part of the previews?  Its been 45 minutes and I am bored to tears and half depressed. 

Bottom Line:
This movie is Beaches for Men, without the sad ending.  The few laughs that weren't in the preview can't make up for two and a half hours of drama.  The last time I felt this decieved by a movie was when I saw Superman Returns, which promised a comic book tale and delivered a three hour chic flick.  Avoid this pile of manure and save your emotional well being, time, and sanity. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1201167/

AntiChrist (Review)

What I knew going in:

Willem DaFoe in a foreign horror film about a couple who loses a child and goes to their cabin in the woods to try and deal with the grief.

Hype:

Meh- I like a good scare flick but foreign films sometmes can be boring and don't translate well blunting much of the effect of the plot.

Opening Thoughts:

Wow. This film should be rated X. The opening sequence is racy, provacative, and amazing. OK now I prepared to be bored for an hour.

Bottom Line:
What I expected nothing out of became one of the most disturbing movies of all time. X rated all the way through, you have seen nothing like what is in this movie before. Only watch this film if you can stomach extreme gore and incredible mind blowing scenes. While the plot isn't that great, the sheer audacity of its filmmakers make this movie a must-see watch for 2009.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0870984/

Paranormal Activity (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another Blair Witch type horror movie attempts to scare us all with how creepy real life can be.

Hype:
Meh. While I like horror films, especially their effects, I wasn't sure if this could hold my interest. Low budget films like this tend to try to fill up time through dialogue and real life scenes that can bore you to tears if you can't connect with the characters.

Opening Thoughts:
I hate it when I hit the nail right on the head. The opening of this is as good as a double dose of NyQuil. I keep wondering how these characters are going to die. And that's never a good sign. A movie needs to capture your attention, not leave your mind so idle that it can speculate and daydream during it.

Bottom Line:
Well, as you may have read in other reviews, the end of this movie is pretty scary. It is a great idea and its well played out, but where the movie fails for me is that the "end" should have occurred about forty minutes into the film and it should have continued on with more scares and possibly a real plot. You expect this from an independant film, but I expect more for my $10.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179904/

The Ugly Truth (Review)

What I knew going in:
Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl in a romantic comedy about what men and women really want in a relationship.

Hype:
Meh- I figure most of the women I know will have seen this and having also seen it means I can hold a conversation. The things we do... *sigh*

Opening Thoughts:
I had heard nothing good about this movie from anyone. That usually means I will like it. Sure enough, the first few things in this movie are pretty funny. And accurate. Heigl is pretty good looking and its amazing how right Butler's character is. Maybe I should whip out the pencil and take notes.

Bottom Line:
Despite the ease in which you can make poorly disguised one liners with this movie's title, it turns out its a pretty good movie. It exactly what you expect with nothing more or less thrown in. People of both sexes would like to think they are above the lowbrow humor and societally incorrect points that the movie makes, but we aren't. We're mostly sheep. And like sheep, when the critics didn't like this movie people didn't see it. Their loss.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1142988/

Jennifer's Body (Review)

What I knew going in:
Megan Fox in a Horror Comedy about a high school girl that is murdered and turns into a demon.

Hype:
Megan Fox should have her own hype rating. She is all and the only hype for this movie.

Opening Thoughts:
OK this movie is really trying hard to be funny and most of the jokes are groaners or just falling flat. The first 20 minutes are boring as mud. Maybe the teens get it nowadays because I sure don't anymore.

Bottom Line:
Garbage. There's one or two funny lines in the whole film. Its lame. Its fangoria-fodder. And you don't ever get to see Megan Fox's Body. Not even a little bit. Like the most you see is a bare shoulder and cleavage that you can catch on any awards show she is at. I figured this movie was going to be bad but to not even get the R rated payoff is just like the 16-0 Patriots. All Hype and All Fail.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1131734/

Law Abiding Citizen (Review)

What I knew going in:
Jamie Fox and Gerard Butler in a taught thriller about a man whose wife and child are murdered and the murderer serves three years only to be paroled for good behavior...

Hype:
Meh+ As you might have figured from the trailer, this "ordinary law abiding citizen" is anything but, and as such the film might stray from tense thriller into action. . . Both Actors are good, the script was penned by Kurt Wimmer of Equibrium fame, but the director's lead credit is a Video of the Year on the MTV Music Awards? Uh oh....

Opening Thoughts:
You know, right up there on the top of the list of "people I never want to be" is the main character's motivation for revenge. Yikes. The good news is that since this is trying to be mainstream all of the moments that looked like they belonged in SAW cut away just before the savagery started. That's a good thing for this film.

Bottom Line:
What started out as a damn fine movie with great pacing, intrigue, and plot turns into one of the most disappointing and missed opportunity endings of the decade. In the last 20 minutes Butler's plan is revealed - and its just flat DUMB. I'm not going to go into it here as I really try not to spoil movies for people but I walked away shaking my head in disgust. If this was Kurt Wimmer's original ending he has completely lost touch with reality or the ability to craft anything more cunning than a chew toy. It looks like the movie got to a few focus groups who didn't like the ending and wham, Hollywood has to come up with some hack second string writer at the last minute to pull someone else's last minute banana peel from the trash. This is one of those movies that people will be talking about for a few weeks, and I will be watching what the sheep think. I'm going to shut up now as I have a feeling that when said sheep mention this movie it will just stoke the fires of the bitter, bitter anger fuel that burn inside this law abiding citizen.

WTF Trailer Watching Update

So, I just got done with a marathon gaming weekend and was showing a buddy of mine a trailer for Avatar. Abouce once a month or so I like to hit the trailer sites and see what's coming that I need to watch out for. The last time that I went trailer watching the only movie to catch my eye was Daybreakers. Fast forward three months and I go looking.... and this time I see.... NO New Sci Fi Trailers. Horror - check. Drama - Double Check. Romantic Dramedy - Too Many to count. Chic Flix by the dozens. In fact, going back on comingsoon.net, the last NEW trailer for a Sci Fi movie I haven't heard of dated back to..... and August 24th posting of Christopher (Dark Knight) Nolan's "Inception" which is merely a teaser.

Looks like I will be staying home a lot in the coming months....

Zombieland (Review)

What I knew going in:
Woody Harrelson in a Zombie Comedy.

Hype:
Meh+ If you don't know by now that this is right up my alley you're new to my blog.

Opening Thoughts:
Funny. Funny. More Funny. Me as a hero. It even has all the gore and blood and guts a zombie movie should have.

Bottom Line:
Rule #57: Go see good movies in the theater. Its the American version of Shaun of the Dead. Only better. I'm not feeling real witty or verbose tonight.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1156398/

The Fast Track

Pandorum: Space Zombies and a surprise ending. See it.
9: A poorly formed story and 75 minutes of Meh. Pass.
District 9: Best film of the summer. Go Now.
Gamer: A nice musical number non withstanding a complete pile of Blech.
Whiteout: A by the numbers murder mystery. Not bad but slow.
Taking of Pelham 1-2-3: Travola plus Densel equals decent acting that tries to cover up the plot.
Battle for Terra: Good animated kids storytelling. Even my niece liked it.
Angels and Demons: Good Book. Decent Movie.
Night at the Museum 2: Typical Sequel Crapola.

I watched Star Trek like 5 more times and can't wait for the MMO.

Surrogates (Review)

What I knew going in:
Bruce Willis in Sci Fi Action Flick based on the graphic novel of the same name.

Hype:
Meh+ I thought the movie had potential but you can never tell from a trailer.

Opening Thoughts:
Nice effects in the opening few sequences. The surrogates are appropriately plastic and the whole world has kind of an unreal feel to it. But the plot seems to have the same sort of plasticly granular flavor thats making it not go down so well. I wonder if the director had anything to do with I, Robot because the movies have a real similar feel.

Bottom Line:
Well checking up on it in fact the director, Johnathan Mostow, of U571 and Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines fame had... absolutely nothing to do with I, Robot. So score one for the mysteries of the universe. Anyway, Surrogates is above average overall, say worth a matinee but that's as far as it goes. The plot has no real surprises to it that you won't see coming, the acting isn't special, and the pacing needs work. So you either like dystopian Hard Sci-Fi or not. Next up: The Express Lane version of the last 6 weeks worth of movies in 10 lines or less.... followed by a review of Zombieland.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0986263/

Ed Brubaker's Angel of Death (Review)

What I knew going in:
B actors and a up and coming Director pull together a mob movie that was hyped at Comicon. I'm just a bored sucker I guess.

Hype:
Its a direct to DVD release, so no hype meter.

Opening Thoughts:
The washed out and grainy colorization is a poor attempt at style. The hand to hand fighting is decent, in the typical Mobrutal (tm) fashion. You have to allow for action time, which is when two people are throwing down while the rest of the characters stay static. Lucy Lawless was hotter as a cylon than as this washed up ex-whore with a bad accent.

Bottom Line:
I really really tried to dislike this film. Despite that, some respectable dialogue, competent action sequences, and a halfway original plot make this a fairly good movie. It runs short at 87 minutes, but it does all it needs to during that time. There's nothing witty or snappy about the dialogue, but at least it doesn't sound contrived or out of place. If someone gives Brubaker an original script and some worthy acting talent he has the potential to be a top of the line director. So, this is a passable film worth your time as a rental or on Netflix, just don't expect too much because its just a plain good piece of entertainment. Kind of like M&M's: You know its going to taste good out of the bag, but the experience is one you've already had many many times before.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1269734/

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Theater Review)

What I knew Going In:
Stephen Sommers takes on the Hasbro License, toys from my youth, and all around horrible 80's TV-Show. Stars Dennis Quaid, Damon Wayans, and a bunch of other nobodies.

Hype:
Meh+ The special effects from the previews looked amazing. Could Hollywood bring another dead franchise back to life like they did with Transformers?

Opening Thoughts:
The first ten minutes of this film are AWESOME. Great effects, hopelessly outgunned heroes, and brutal attacks with *gasp* military men dying in the line of combat. OK this has serious potential to get me interested. Wait a sec... SNAKE EYES HAS NEVER HAD LIPS IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF GIJOE. Uh-Oh this plot just got as thin as OH GOD THERE ARE THOSE FRACKIN LIPS AGAIN. Why can't this be rated R so we can see some of the Baroness and Scarlett's .... AAAAAAAAA NINJA LIPS!!!!!!!

Bottom Line:
I wanted to like this movie. I really really did. So lets get this out of the way: The special effects are a 10. No Question, best effects ever. And the action is amazing. Now lets get on to the rest of the film.... Plot: Zilch. Acting: Nada. Costuming: Oof. Are you getting the idea yet? In every aspect other than effects this movie is one of the biggest failures of all time. I have no doubt that the 10-12 year old male market it was designed for will love it. For the rest of the population, its an excuse for a $10 nap. The last words from the absolutely awful helmet of Cobra Commander: "This is only the beginning..." I sure as hell hope not, cause I know I will waste more of my life watching how they stomp the crap out of my childhood.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1046173/

Green Lantern: First Flight (Review)

What I knew going in:
Green Lantern's first story as told by the Warner Premiere group. A little more edgy than your usual kids fare.

Hype:
Meh+ The previews at ComicCon looked great and I was ready to see it as soon as it released to DVD.

Opening Thoughts:
What's this? A Kids movie with BLOOD? I mean we'e not talking Rambo level violence but its certainly more rough than usual. This is looking damn good so far... I think this may bring a lot of new and younger fans into the comic book fold and that's never a bad thing. There's a lot more star power in the voice cast than I am used to as well and it shows.

Bottom Line:
These new Warner Premiere comic book animated films are great. I'm looking forward to more of them. If you know the story and want a good time, or want to see why we all love comic books, this is a wonderful place to start.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1384590/

Comic Con 2009 Special Report

So you want to know what got my attention at Comic Con?
Here some of the things that won't get a lot of press but were dug up by yours truly...

Coming Soon to an Anime Theater near you:
Gatchaman - AKA the real G-Force - AKA Battle of the Planets here in the US is being revived as we speak. Check the ten second Teaser here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRNQo1WUqqE&NR=1
Star Blazers - AKA Space Battleship Yamato - The rumors have been running around for a while and it kept being put off over and over. However, the trailer is out now in Japan and it is amazing looking. Unbelievably amazing looking. While there is nothing there yet, the official site is: http://www.yamato-movie.com/

Coming Soon to a Real Theater and TV near you:
New trailers for District 9, Stargate Universe, Human Target, and many many others. Check out the net, they should all be posted by now. We're in for a good time fellow nerds. Good times indeed.

Video Games to watch out for:
AION, Dragon Age, DC Universe

If anyone has questions, shoot em over. I'll tell you what I witnessed.
P.S. John Barrowman is the MAN.

Race to Witch Mountain (Review)

What I knew going in:
The Rock rescues alien children. I've heard, seen, a watched worse concepts.

Hype:
Meh+ I thougt about seeing this in the theater but we had many other movies to watch when this released to the theaters.

Opening Thoughts:
Its not as sharply written as I would have expected. The dialogue is a little trite and stilted. The effects are top notch. And its not wasting any time getting started. And its pretty fun. Its got some promise, but can it deliver....

Bottom Line:
Just like my previous review for Best Friends Girl, this film is too formulaic to really get into . Its fun and exciting, but from the Bulky Big and Dumb Hero to the Smart Female Heroine Scientist to the Rough I'm Just Doing My Job and Being an Asshole While Doing It Government Agent, Race to Witch Mountain contains every basic staple of Sci-Fi Cliches you've come to expect. Decent but not great.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1075417/

My Best Friends Girl (Review)

What I knew going in:
A Romedy where people hire Dane Cook to date an ex so that the ex will go running back into your arms. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, and Jason Bigs co-star.

Hype:
Meh. A friend of mine and I sat down to watch this because she was in a crummy mood and needed lightening up. Yup. I'm a sap.

Opening Thoughts:
OK now we enter the Comedy part of the film. And yep, like most, this is pretty funny, adding uncomfortable moments and whimsical sarcasm together to create awkward social situations. Yawn.

Bottom Line:
Its funny, and then it turns and becomes a romantic struggle, then gets funny again. An extremely formulaic by the numbers Romedy. While both of us enjoyed the film, neither of us would watch it again. The end result: There are a lot better ways to spend a couple of hours, and a lot better Romedies to watch.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1046163/

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
The 6th Potter film. Not much else to say about it is there?

Hype:
Meh+ A couple of friends of mine wanted to see it opening night and I agreed to go at midnight on a Tuesday.

Opening Thoughts:
Impressive special FX as always. The music and acting are as ever. Its midnight and I wanted to take a nap and failed at that so now I'm just tired.

Bottom Line:
Hollywood: Please stop opening night shows at midnight on a Tuesday. Some of us need our sleep and we actually have to work during the week. In the meantime, its everything you expect from a Potter film: great special effects, fun plotting, and a good time. The pacing drags down a bit in the center of the film, and of course many of the plot points and minor character threads are missing from the book. If you've seen the first five, go see this one, otherwise, it should be pretty obvious that you'll want to take a pass.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417741/

The Hangover (Review)

What I knew going in:
The Director of Old School creates another epic of real life hilarity when four guys on a bachelor party in Las Vegas wake up with the worst hangover of all-time.

Hype:
Meh. Its a comedy. Might have been a Meh+ if someone had cast better actors.

Opening Thoughts:
Here's your car, Officers. LMAO. Oh my god the wierd awkward brother in law is hilarious. Holy crap that is funny too... Wow this is impressive. This shit keeps getting funnier and funnier.

Bottom Line:
A contender for funniest film in recent years. So Random. So out of left field. So great. Definately one you should go see, and now. One thing you should know, and that's that my brother tells me this doesn't have a lot of sexual innuendo in it... WRONGO. While is not foul like a Baseketball or Old School, it still has a ton of adult humor in it. Highly recommended.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1119646/

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
Michael bay destroys another franchise... Oh wait, I mean revives another franchise with major explosions, thin good vs. evil plots, and two hundred million dollar budget films. Shia LeBoeuf, Megan (Hot as hell on a bike, lets face it, the FORM in Transformers), and all the originals back from the first film.

Hype:
Jizz in my pants. Loved the first one despite the plot. Opening night at midnight for sure. You know, most critics may hate Bay's films, but I dig him as a director. He knows exactly what the masses want, and he delivers.

Opening Thoughts:
The movie comes right out throwin. Left Hook Explosions. Right cross comedy. Uppercut Special Effects. Wham Wham Wham.

Bottom Line:
You'll notice the Opening Thoughts are short. Even though the movie was pretty long at 150 minutes. However it is NON-STOP. Funny as hell, amazing computer graphics, this movie has it all. Everything the first movie had, this one has more of it. See it. Now.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055369/

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another game to movie translation... Will it suck? Will it Hoover? Will it go from bad to worse to Whhaaaaa? Will it soar to the depths of the first one? Can new Chun Li outstrip the awful that was Jean Claude VanDamme? Just how desperate is Michael Clarke Duncan for money anyway?

Hype:
Hobo Ass - I knew from the moment I saw this trailer it was going to be horrible....But, could it rank amongst the worst movies of all time?

Opening Thoughts:
O, so she's supposed to be this total badass... but she really wants to be a concert pianist? And her mom is WHITE? And she gets punched in the gut by a hugenormous black man... wait a sec... I've seen that porno... You know these fights have more jumps in them than Super Mario 5. And now a dance off? Wasn't bad fight choreography enough? Most. Spaceous. Bathroom. Ever. The upside down break beat spin kick and not even a gratuitous panty shot. I mean did the director completely miss who his audience is? Waiiit a minute. Chun Li has to study her inner child to learn how to throw a fireball while Bison gets his powers by killing his wife and unborn daughter in an evil dark cave? And his Big Evil Power is the ability to ignore his conscience? No Question: I'll take the cave anyday.

Bottom Line:
Oof. Bad. Uwe Boll Bad. Like meat that's been left out in the sun for a day Bad. The Chun Li vs Vega fight could be worst fight sequence of all time. Plot: Miserable. Acting: Blechhh. Fighting: I could wipe my ass with more style and grace. Gunplay: Sorry. Cinematography: I've seen better green screens. There is not a single area in which this movie is passable. HOWEVER. Still not worse than Chill Factor. Please, don't make any more street fighter movies. Please. Whine Whine Sniffle.

Up (Review)

What I knew going in:
Pixar's latest. If that isn't enough for you, then bon't bother reading the rest of the review.

Hype:
Meh. Honestly, while I like Pixar films, they aren't exactly my go to place for fun and excitement. However, a lot of people told me I needed to go see it and that it was great...

Opening Thoughts:
The opening is the most accurate "This is your Life" in 15 minutes you'll ever see. Triumph and Tragedy. Brilliant. What more can you say about it?

Bottom Line:
Well, I can't be the only one to say this, but it gets two big thumbs.... well you know where. The animation quality, soundtrack, characterization... Its all there and all astounding. Take your Kids and your Parents, and you'll all have a good time. The very definition of a Feel Good movie. What, you want More than ninety minutes? No. You want twists and turns and a spooky plot? SQUIRREL!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/

Knowing (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nicolas Cage in a Mystery Thriller about a series of numbers that predict major catastrophes.

Hype:
Meh+ I thought this had potential, but after opening week, when people told me it was a tale with a religious moral to it, I took a pass on seeing it in the theater.

Opening Thoughts:
When I saw the trailer for this movie, and now watching it, I'm wondering if really we haven't seen just about the whole film in the trailer. Music is good, nice and eerily creepy as it should be. Hmmm. Like many movies recently, this isn't wasting any time moving the plot along - a trend I am wholeheartedly in favor of.

Bottom Line:
This movie is both good and bad. I've seen fewer plots more formulaic than this one. Like almost baby formulaic with strained carrots. You've seen this plot before - Mothman Prophecies immediately springs to mind. On the good side the acting, direction, cinematography and music are all great. The special effects are top notch. And now we get to the ending - without spoiling it for anyone, especially my whiny ONE follower (props to you broheim), the ending is exactly what you want to make of it. If you want it to be religious, it is, and the parallels are certainly there. However, I could easily make a counter argument against it having any religious significance. The bottom line is that in this film, as one character states, "You see what you want to see." Therein lies the hidden genius of the ending. It, like this blog, is completely open to interpretation.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448011/

Monsters vs. Aliens (Review)

What I knew going in:
As usual, the A-list turns out to lends their voices to a movie aimed at the 8-12 year audience. The plot is simple: Aliens invade, and the only ones who can stop them are the monsters the government has locked up in a top secret prison.

Hype:
Meh. I always watch these before letting my niece see them. The grapevine said it was pretty good but not great.

Opening Thoughts:
This has to have the same production and animation crew that did The Incredibles. The character likenesses and animation styles are dead on. Without looking it up you can clearly see the resemblance. Oh Look, Heroine is falling for selfish douchebag at the beginning of the movie... The only problem with these morality tales is that most women don't wake up and smell the coffee and still marry the douchebag; then wonder how their lives went so wrong. Two words for you, ladies: DUH. B.O.B is deinfately the big win in the opening...hilarious.

Bottom Line:
Definately not for my niece. Yeah its pretty funny, and yeah the plot is passable, and yeah its competent, but nothing really stands out to make me wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone. My niece would get scared by the monsters AND the aliens and would have no frame of reference for most of the jokes. The main enemy, Galaxor, steals the show for me - he's the perfect blend of mad scientist, uncaring evil, and incompetent mayor all rolled into one. Kind of reminds me of Steve Jobs...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892782/

Hitman (Review)

What I knew going in:
Timothy Olyphant in a action adventure about an assassin. Based on the Video Game of the same name.

Hype:
Meh+ I was watching this again on my new setup while I worked on invoicing. When I saw this in the theater with a buddy of mine we agreed that it was a damn fine action flick. As I like to do, I wanted to watch the film again and see if it was as good the second time around.

Opening Thoughts:
Man every time he fires his gun there's just this massive bass boom. I mean its some serious kick and I'm going to have to turn it down since its 11pm before I get the cops called on me for the I dunno third or fourth time.... Luckily my downstairs neighbor moved out recently so its a lot less likely...

Bottom Line:
Yeah, this is still a damn fine action movie. The plot is decent if predictable, the acting is passable, but what really makes it are the action sequences. Gun fights, Sword Fights, Hand to Hand combat, Point Blank Headshots, Sniper Kills, this movie has all the classics. It reminds me of Equilibrium in the respect that no action is left undone, save the Vehicle Chase. The camera moves around a lot less than in most action movies and its really really nice to SEE the action instead of seeing a seisure victim during an earthquake while on a roller coaster. In any case, if you haven't checked this out yet, and you don't mind some blood and guts, rent it tonight.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465494/

Fanboys (Review)

What I knew going in:
A Fan film I was hoping would be funny. Stars some of the B actors you've seen in other flicks.

Hype:
Meh. I was watching this while I wrote up my review of Killshot, which I watched the other night. I know you were probably hoping for something more exiciting, but its the summer and my AC was out sooooo... Eh.. sweat. Yuk. Need Slurpee Badly.

Opening Thoughts:
Ok that was funny. And so was that... and wow this is consistently humorous.

Bottom Line:
Yep. If you're a nerd, you will love this film. Its frikin hilarious, but only if you are in the know to get the jokes. Some shocking cameos, decent writing, and all aroud randomness make it a fun couple of hours, so gather the Nerd Herd and check it out. Oh, and Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) in Leia's slave outfit = THE HOT.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489049/

Killshot (Review)

What I knew going in:
Thoms Jane, Mickey Rourke, and the always yummy Diane Lane in a mafia hitman vs. all american couple film - not exactly the most original concept but hey, did I mention Diane Lane was in it?


Hype:
Um. Considering I didn't even know this movie EXISTED until about a week ago I'm not sure I can give it a hype rating. Yep you guessed it - more background while I worked on a reformat and late on some Bugs.


Opening Thoughts:
Yep. Ouch. Even more boring than I thought. A couple about to divorce and oh wait something external is going to completely change their lives and bring them back together. Have I seen this plot somewhere before... hmmmmm....


Bottom Line:
Not quite as bad I expected and really pretty passable unless, like myself, you've seen 3 or 4 hundred of these kinds of movies before. Proof again Hollywood has run out of scripts. I pretty much have nothing else to say about this movie except yeah, Diane Lane still looks hot in just her undies. Nuff said.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443559/

He's Just Not That Into You (Review)

What I knew going in:
Lots of current hot Actors and Actresses in a movie about dating. Woo. Yeah where do I sign up. Ok you all know I am a horrible romantic, and I really really wish I could get over it. Once in a while my personal sadistic streak forces me into thinking I want to watch a Romantic Comedy and I always hate myself for it.

Hype:
Are you kidding me? Have you been reading my blog? I flippin HATE these unrealistic love fest chic flicks.

Opening Thoughts:
Now I've been hearing that this movie is painfully realistic. Hey but its the beginning of the film so its going to be funny for a while. Yeaaaaaahhhhh.... Lets face it, just about every male fantasy girl except Jessica Alba is in this movie. So I think I will just sit back, work on sending out invoices and emails, and enjoy the views.

Bottom Line:
Well, hey, there's I think about 20 different relationships in this movie and they are all intertwined, so not all of them can have happy endings. And that's a good thing. Because most of these overly contrived situations are so grossly simplified as to be unremarkable in any way. So I got most of my work done... And is this really what dating is like for people? If so, I'll stay happily single, driving my amazing car, buying anything I want, and hanging out with my buds. Did I mention we're heading out to Comic-con soon? Oh and yeah, this is a pretty good movie - one that both sexes can enjoy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

Crank 2: High Voltage (Review)

What I knew going in:
Are you flipping kidding me??? As bizzare and absurd as the first Crank was, at least I was reasonably sure it was going to end there. But, like a pothead looking for the next Pineapple Express, Jason Statham is back to prove that as outlandish as the first Crank was with over the top action, gang warfare, and sex in public, it can and will try to be topped with a sequel.

Hype:
Hobo Ass. Even though I kind of liked the first one - it doesn't try to be anything other than entertainment, and occasionally, a good line or funny sequence will poke its head out like a terrorist from behind cover.

Opening Thoughts:
Like me, I am sure you will be going "Really?" or "Seriously?" or "Did I actually just witness that?" all throughout the opening of this movie. Lets face it though, if you want to make fun of the plot, you'd be better off making fun of yourself for going to see it in the first place. In for an ounce, in for a pound... well actually the human heart weighs like four or five pounds, right?

Bottom Line:
Almost a bullet for bullet copy of the first. Ridiculous. Silly. Stupid. Yet still kinda fun and funny in parts. I can't recommend this one to anybody, but hey, I watched Battle Planet, and this was loads better than that. Please, for the love of the world, do not make a third one. I'd have to watch it because I've seen the first two and I'm not sure I'd make the sanity check.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1121931/

Terminator: Salvation (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
Batman's Christian Bale takes on the role of John Connor in the long running and sometimes epic Terminator series. When you consider the next biggest stars in the movie are a digital copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's likeness from 20 years ago and Linda Blair's voice, and the director McG is the guy with the next shortest name to the artist formerly known as Prince (FAG), and Michael Ironside, I was hoping, really really hoping, that 150 million dollars or so could turn all this into a passable film.

Hype:
After the trailer, I have to vote Jizz in my Pants. The effects looked hella sweet. Plus more explosions than a Michael bay film in Texas on the Fourth of July.

Opening Thoughts:
I can't get over how good the special effects look this summer. In many parts of this film uncanny valley doesn't exist anymore. I can't tell what's an animatronic and what's a digital effect. At least Bale has dropped the ri-god-damn-diculous lisp from Dark Knight.

Bottom Line:
On a scale of one to ten, the effects are a solid ten. Action doesn't get any better than this. The acting is good, the plot itself is decent.... Yeah you know there's a BUT coming here.... I'm not a toddler anymore and I don't need to be spoon-fed the moral of the story like a bowl full of strained peas and spinach. Still, as a whole this is a kick-ass flick that keeps your heart pumping from beginning to end. Go see it, choke down your high chair meal of morality, and leave that part of the film right where it belongs. In Your Diaper.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0438488/

Star Trek (Review Three)

What I knew going in:
One of the best SciFi films of all time goes on constant repeat in my head.


Hype:
Still jizzing in my pants. I mean we're talking seriously painful jizzplosions here.


Opening Thoughts:
Get this: Kirk is the worst character in the top five. Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, Uhura the hotness (leave me alone, I'm tired lolz), and Zachary Quinto all bring better performances than Chris Pine. Even Sulu and Chekov are almost better. Now its not that Pine is bad mind you, just that everyone else is just so completely spot on.


Bottom Line:
The effects - I still can't believe how amazing they are and how angry it makes me that the damn camera is shaking around like a cerebral palsy victim that's been tasered during an epilepsy fit. A shaking camera does NOT add tension, excitement, or realism. Is it appropriate when a starship is being shot to pieces? You Bet. Is it appropriate when a near undamaged starship drops out of warp firing on incoming torpedoes? NO NO NO. The sooner that Hollywood figures this out the better we'll all be. In the meatime, you need to go and see this film seven or eight more times and make sure we get another bunch of em.

Coming up in the next hour:
Terminator: Salvation and Crank 2: High Voltage. Yep, I've sunk to a new low.

Star Trek (Review Two)

What I knew going in:
Would the second time be a charm for a movie that I think is the best film I've seen since The Matrix?

Hype:
Jizz in my Pants. Ok its time to see if we can find some flaws, something to complain about. Something that will lessen the films impact.

Opening Thoughts:
Sabotage? Really? Some ten year old puts on music from the late 1980s even though its supposed to be what, 2200 something? And what's with the hairdo on the woman sitting behind the captain? I mean, it looks like another woman could get her jollies sitting on her head. Wow. Uhura's eyebrows are like massively hugenormous.

Bottom Line:
Even better this time than it was last time. I got to focus on details instead of the main plot. The amazing effects get better each time I see it. The action is a little too fast, but its great because its happening at the speed that computers would be able to fight at. The Phaser combat is too fast. The camera jumps around too much, but that's a modern film trapping that seems to get worse every year. I can't wait to see this movie again.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/

Star Trek (Review One)

What I knew going in:
Christopher Pine, Leonard Nimoy, Zachary Quinto and Eric bana in a reboot of the classic Franchise. Directed by JJ Abrams of Lost, Fringe, and Cloverfield fame.

Hype:
Jizz in my Pants. When I first heard about it I was telling people it was the worst idea ever. When I saw the first trailer I was telling people it was the best idea ever. I have been looking forward to this for nearly a year.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh. My. God. The Effects are BLISTERING and FAST. Wow. The Dialogue is so crisp. The pacing is breakneck. Not a word wasted or useless music tie-in ... oh wait. There's Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. Still, this is FUN as hell.

Bottom Line:
TREK IS BACK BABY!!!!!! This film is amazing from the word go. Great Plot, Superb writing, Killer Acting, Special Effects to die for, amazing music, edgy, tense, funny, I just can't say enough about it. This is exactly what the franchise needed. I'll write more... but I need to go see it again...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/

Xmen: Origins: Wolverine (Review)

What I knew going in:
Hugh Jackman, Lieb Schriver, and Ryan Reynolds in the latest Comic Book Action film.

Hype:
Meh+ I kinda wanted to see this in the theater even though I had read the one-shot graphic novel a few years ago. As is usual for me, I was figuring: What the hell? Might see a few good special effects along the way.

Opening Thoughts:
Hugh Jackman playing tough guy again, boy that's a stretch. Oh look, the reluctant gunslinger. *yawn* Special effects aren't disappointing.

Bottom Line:
Definately not worth the ire its getting in the press. Its competent, just not great. The final fight of the movie is incredible not just from a special effects standpoint, but from a creative one. Its unique, amazing, and satisfying. Makes me look forward to a spinoff film with Ryan Reynolds. And it makes me look more forward to the upcoming Magneto Movie. Do not listen to the critics, this movie is pretty good and deserving of a matinee ticket. Like most people, if you go see a movie you're not interested in, you'll probably find reasons to hate it. For those of us who like comic book movies, its a whole different ballgame.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458525/

Other Media

For those new to the Q Movie Gauntlet, I do enjoy many other types of media including TV, Video Games, Comics, and Books. I haven't reviewed many films in the past couple of weeks because I have been reading. Here's a sample:
Exit to Eden - Always a fun read.
Stephen King's Cell - Great Zombiepocalypse Book.
Richard North Patterson's Exile - A Courtroom/Spy Drama which is superbly researched with the real problems of Israel and Palestine.
Clive Cussler's Arctic Drift - Clive's always a popcorn summer blockbuster good time.
Mel Odom's Hellgate: London Trilogy: Decidedly Meh.

Current Fave TV Shows:
Fringe, Chuck, Bones, House, Reaper, Supernatural, Lost, Heroes

Currently Played Games:
Resistance 2, Resident Evil 5, Rock Band 2, The Last Remnant, Burnout Paradise

Reviews Upcoming:
Wolverine Origins (Good), Star Trek (Trek is back baby! BooYa!)

The International (Review)

What I knew going in:
Clive Owen and Naomi Watts take on a Multi-National Bank whose sinister endgame is conspiracy.

Hype:
Meh+. Sometimes I get out to see the movies I want, other times I don't. This one looked like it had potential to be decent.

Opening Thoughts:
This has the same sort of feel as most of the good cold war spy films from back in the seventies. Its dark, its creepy, and you have no idea what the Bank is up to - but you know it can't be good. Yep, Naomi is still hot. Wow, they don't waste any time with the usual build-up. Its game on from the word go.

Bottom Line:
Competent. The highlight of the film is a fantastic action sequence in the Gugenheim that seems to go on forever, yet never lets up on the intensity. The plot makes sense, and you can definately see where the bank's conspiracy is headed and why they would go so far to protect their aims. Clive and Naomi are both convincing and show excellent development throughout the film. When the biggest thing you can complain about is the fact that this movie has THE most generic title of all time, you know it has to be pretty good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963178/

Worst Action Films of the Modern Era

So,
A couple of friends and I were sitting down the other day and we were talking on this topic.
WITHOUT READING BELOW THIS, write down your top 5 from 1970-Present and then compare them to ours:
-------------------------------------------












--------------------------------------------
Now, I've heard a lot of arguments, but here's the bottom line: These films have NO redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Honorable Mentions:
Elektra - So, explode an oven and vaporize over 100 ninjas? That's SOME OVEN!
Speed 2: Cruise Control - The bad guy is trying to escape on a Cessna only to be stopped by a Ship's Mast. WHAT?
Chain Reaction - When your trailers suck, the movie has no hope.
American Ninja - Need I say more.
Assassins - A plot so thin it belongs in a soup kitchen.
The Net - I kept hoping Sandra Bullock would either be raped or killed, preferably killed.
Lone Wolf McQuaid - Fighting in a desert in 100+ degree weather while sporting an Eddie Bauer Cardigan Sweater FOR THE LOSS.
Cobra - Sly, Commando + The Terminator you aren't.

In 5th Place:
EXIT WOUNDS - Hey, now everybody knows where to shoot helicopters to knock them out of the sky - right in the SMILY FACE! WTF?

4th Place:
The Spirit - This movie is so much fail in so little time. When Sammy L and Scarlett Johannsen can't save your movie, you know its trash.

3rd Place:
Reindeer Games - When other movies make fun of your movie you gotta know something's off. Especially when it's Jay and Silent Bob.

2nd Place:
Ballistic - Ecks Vs Sever - Where do I even begin?

THE WINNER:
Chill Factor - When the main villian stops for an ice cream cone before chasing after the heroes, you're either A> Directed by UWE BOLL, B> Starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Skeet Ulrich, or C> PAYING YOUR SCREENWRITER IN BROWNIES. YES. THOSE BROWNIES.

Post your top 5 to the comments and we can argue about it for a while.
Q Out.

Confessions of a Superhero (Review)

What I knew going in:
A buddy of mine said this was pretty funny and that I should check it out. Its about the real lives of people who dress up as superheroes and work the Hollywood walk of fame posing for photographs with tourists.

Hype:
Meh. I have to be in the right mood for a comedy. I was playing a JRPG and trying to relax and needed more mental stimulation than the game was providing.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh. My. Gawd. At least I'm not THAT guy. Wonder Woman has a pretty nice bod but her personality - scary. Batman has an anger problem? Nah never would have guessed that from his interviews... These people even admit to being aspiring actors who panhandle to make the rent. That's a pretty tough gig.

Bottom Line:
Scary. Disturbing. Never in the history of Hollywood have they ever been able to make someone feel better about themselves than by watching what other people have chosen as their professions. The four main people interviewed in the movie are just on this side of Arkham and yet are unashamed of the direction their lives have taken. I'm not sure about how I would go about recommending this movie to people other than as an example of how NOT to live. Do I read comic books? Sure. Do I idolize superheroes? Sure. Given enough resources would I build a Batmobile? Absolutely. Would I EVER allow these things to destroy the things that make me unique for the sake of a persona? Hell no.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1016164/

007 Die Another Day (Classic Review)

What I knew going in:
One of my all-time favorite Bond films starring Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Judi Dench, and John Cleese.

Hype:
Not sure how to Hype this. There wasn't anything I really wanted to see in the old movie file, so I decided to work on some stuff while I put this on. I was also curious to see how the old girl stacked up from '02-'09. Were the effects, plot, and writing as good as I remembered them to be?

Opening Thoughts:
I can definately see how people might say this film gets off on the wrong foot. I mean, seriously? Double Oh's SURFING into a mission? Really? Ok, the stealing of the sunglasses is a good touch - something in the Bond personality profile for sure. After 20 films, you'd think the bad guys would learn to take Bond's WATCH along with his gun, I mean how many times do you have to get burned by the same gadget? I love the fact Bond gets caught and tortured in this film.

Bottom Line:
This movie is still Bond in its purest form. Hot babes - Check. Horrible Horrible one-liners - Check. Cars you wish were real AND in your garage - Check. Over the top action sequences bordering on the surreal - Check. And last but not least... Not following its own movie logic - CHECK. I mean, the satellite beam weapon can shear off a giant chunk of a glacier but can't burn through a frickin airplane passing directly through it? Really? The real fact here is that its a BOND MOVIE. You take the good with the bad and call it a day. Unzip your skull, take your brain out, and enjoy it for what it is: pure entertainment.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246460/

InkHeart (Review)

What I knew Going In:
Brendan Frasier in a Fantasy about a man who can make the tales from a book come alive when he reads the words aloud.

Hype:
Meh+. I like these kinds of films, and I was hoping for another Princess Bride, Neverending Story, something like that brought up to date with modern storytelling and effects.

Opening Thoughts:
Capricorn is the main baddie? I mean, there's a name to terrify the old and young alike. Hunh? The main hero of the book is a coward? The little girl's aunt is a shrew? Who is there to like and root for in this film? Oh I get it, the main hero is likeable because he's got a cute animal companion... Oh wait a sec the weasel just tried to bite the girl.

Bottom Line:
Dreadful. I've played first person shooters with more heart, character growth, and plot twists. Frasier has lost his ability to pick scripts, or he was locked into a large picture deal because his last three films, Inkheart, Mummy 3, and Journey to the Center of the Earth, are the Trifecta of Failsauce. The film hints at brilliance but nothing pulls together the way it should. I kept expecting the main characters to jump in and out of the books while being chased by Capricorn, which, incedentally, would have been a momumentally better plot device. Save your money and get Bedtime Stories, which is similar, funnier, and has far less producers going "you know what would be cool?"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0494238/

Battle Planet (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nobody in a B SciFi flick. Yep, when I'm bored or need background noise, anything, and I mean anything will do.

Hype:
Hobo Ass. I figured if I was really really lucky I would get something slightly better than a SciFi Original movie.

Opening Thoughts:
Effects aren’t bad – costuming is good. Aquarians? Really? Fish people are the bad guys? Wow that shotgun looks so Nerfy… Oh my God – Best use of a sock puppet EVER. Oh wait, sock puppets get killed by arrows? Shit, where was THAT little tidbit in the Hitchhiker’s Guide? Green skin or not, the first person he finds on planet has a HOT bod. Wow. Alien Tits. I’d like to say that’s a first for me but I’ve watched waaaaayyyyy too much SciFi. You know for a movie called “Battle Planet” its awfully slow. Space Dwarves? Are you frickin serious?

Bottom Line:
Tripe. The script is so painfully bad that you'll swear it was written by the DM at your local game store. I'd rather crash land on a planet full of gay aliens whose idea of gentle and caring includes blood sports and public orifice stretching contests. Avoid this at all costs unless its MST3K night.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1016024/

Twilight (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another bunch of nobodies in a Urban Fantasy Vampire Romance.

Hype:
Meh-. I recently read Stephanie Myers' The Host and was quite impressed so I figure I'd give this a shot. However, as is usual with any movie I think is a Meh- I was expecting maybe a good special effect or two and some fine young thing to take my mind off the contracts I was working on for my company.

Opening Thoughts:
Is it a bad sign that the most interesting thing in the first 35 minutes to me was that the characters were sharing Red Vines at a beach? Or is that just a prelude to the boredom I felt as the director established characters that weren't developing through the story...

Bottom Line:
Myers is a very talented author with a vivid imagination for bringing to life things you wouldn't normally think about. However, the director and screenwriter manage to botch the entire story. There is no character development whatsoever in this film - I bet there is quite a bit in the novel. There is no emotion or romance between the main characters, or for any of the other on screen couples - they are as dry and cold as their vampire counterparts. While some of the "power shows" are fun in their own right, this film fails on nearly every other level. I can't remember a movie that I felt Meh- before and Meh- after. *Yawn* Its become clear to me recently that the Urban Fantasy genre has become little more than the modern evolution of the Harlequin Romance. As long as we as a society continue to embellish this kind of nonsensical love mythos we deserve our huge divorce rates and disillusioned youth.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/

The Unborn (Review)

What I knew going in:
A young hottie (Odette Yustman - most recently in Cloverfield) is haunted by the ghost of her unborn twin. Directed by David S Goyer (who recently worked on The Dark Knight)

Hype:
Meh-. I saw the trailer for this film amd thought it might be at least kinda fun to see young miss hottie's goods and maybe a half decent special effect or two.

Opening Thoughts:
At least this isn't wasting any time with the whole "she's just crazy" angle that darn near every ghost story or demon possession tale takes so that it can suck up an extra half hour or so with crapola. Its getting right into it and waaaaaait a sec - did her friends believe her too? Evidently Goyer thinks more of friendship and the human condition than the last 500 or so horror screenwriters...

Bottom Line:
Yep, the effects are pretty decent. Yep, she's hot. Nope, there's not a damn thing to recommend this one over the other 500 of these kinds of films made in the last decade. A lot of people like conspiracy theroies, so here'ss one for you. Take a popular new director with a big hit on his hands, throw in a few producers who think the guy walks on water, and a Hollywood full of struggling actresses, and what do you get? Most Expensive Hooker Ever. She's hot sure, but $16 mil hot? I mean, go read some of her quotes in IMDB - we're talking above cabbage but short of broccoli. Oh, no wonder she's hot and dumb - she graduated from a Christian College. You know a movie can't be all that great when you're busy rambling on about the actress instead of the plot...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1139668/

Bedtime Stories (Review)

What I knew going in:
Adam Sandler stars as himself, a total goofball whose niece and nephew have the ability to make their bedtime stories come to life in the real world.

Hype:
Meh. I'm a big kid at heart, but not big enough to spend $10 on this in the theater unless I was taking my own niece to see it. Since I never show a child a movie I haven't already seen, it was time to see if this was going to be a family friendly flick or something more along the lines of Happy Gilmore.

Opening Thoughts:
Sandler's back to his original form - unpredictable, silly, and out in left field somewhere. Unlike with Jim Carrey's Yes Man, it works in this film because of its lighthearted tone. What kind of mom doesn't let their kids watch TV or eat hamburgers? What kind of mom makes birthday cake out of all-natural healthy organic only ingredie.... is that GRASS as a replacement for icing? Well, now I know what it would be like to live under the yolk of militant veganism...

Bottom Line:
Made for big kids as well as little kids, Bedtime Stories just flat works as a great piece of escapist entertainment. It has a fairly predictable plot, but it amuses you enough along the way that the lack of a "Shocking Twist" won't bother you in the least. There's a reason this broke 100 mil at the domestic box office. While not quite enough to get the wholehearted !Q! approval, anyone looking for light-hearted family romantic comedy could a lot worse.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960731/

2008 Awards Ceremony (Part 1)

Welcome to the show. I'm not rich enough to have someone like Alec Baldwin host my awards using half-wit one liners to sell advertising, so lets get right to it.

BEST ACTION HERO:
The nominees are: Christopher Bale (Dark Knight), Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), and Daniel Craig (Quantum of Solace).
The !Q! goes to: Christopher Bale - Seriously, have you seen the Title area of my blog? Nobody topped Batman this year despite a gravelly and lispy voice that seemed better suited for the upcoming Dwayne "Rock" Johnson reimagining of The Birdcage.

WORST ACTION HERO:
The nominees are: Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull), Nicholas Cage (Bangkok Dangerous) and Gabriel Macht (The Spirit).
The !Q! goes to: Gabriel Macht. Have you seen this film? No? Good - nobody else did either. With a domestic gross of $19 mil, it proves that Sin City + 300 + Superheroes = Train Wreck. Lionsgate: Take your steaming piles of director - Frank Miller and Uwe Boll, and choose my ass crack as your next shoot location. Add a few out of work for a reason actors and another crappy comic book or video game tie-in, and maybe, just maybe, I might create a Movie Hit Squad and put you out of your misery.

WORST MOVIE TITLE:
The nominees are: The X-Files I want to Believe, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and The Mummy Tomb of the Dragon Emporer.
The !Q! goes to: Indiana Jones. In what should have been called Indiana Jones and the worst comeback sequel of all time, George Lucas has continued his tradition of, and I quote from my buddy The Fist, "Taking a dump on my childhood and rubbing my face in the mess". George take this as a hint: The only reason your movies are better than Uwe Boll's is because you get $185 million to waste two hours of my life. What's next, Indiana Jones and the Ghost of the Colostomy Bag? Or maybe Indiana Jones and the Return of the Emo Angsty Teen Short Round?

NEXT ACTOR THAT WILL BE MOVED TO TV TO WATCH THER MOVIE CAREER DIE:
The nominees are: Samuel L Jackson, Vin Diesel, and Jason Statham.
The !Q! goes to: What? Are you KIDDING ME? All three of them have insanely crappy sequels to earlier failed movies coming out in 2009? Fast and the Furious 4? CRANK 2? SNAKES ON A PLANE 2?!?!?! Forget what I wrote a couple of days ago about Hollywood improving itself.

Well, that's all the ire I can muster for one evening. Tune in after these commercial breaks for more of the Q 2008 Awards Ceremony, which will probably include: Best and Worst Twist, Best Sex Scene, and Villian who should have Triumphed but didn't.

Gran Torino (Review)

What I knew going in:
Clint Eastwood is a old war veteran in a rapidly changing neighborhood and has to take on an Asian gang that has recently moved in nearby.

Hype:
Meh. I had heard through the grapevine that this was a good film, and I was ready to watch a grizzled old Vet whup some ass something fierce. I was ready for a Death Sentence, Punisher War Zone, Taken kind of beat down because let's face it: Growing up was there anyone more badass than Dirty Harry, Blondie (Good Bad Ugly), The Preacher Man (Pale Rider) or Bill Munny (Unforgiven)?

Opening Thoughts:
Dude, nobody can scowl or derisively grunt like Clint Eastwood. His general attitude here is reminding me of Nicholson's classic schitzo from As good as it Gets. If for no other reason, I am enjoying the lead up to the carnage through Clint's absolutely putrid vernacular. I think I might even have to take notes on the racial slurs - they're that good.

Bottom Line:
Wow. What I expected to be an action flick turns out to be a coming of age film for a young asian boy who needs to be taught how to be a man. My expectations couldn't have been more off, and I can't say that I have EVER been more pleasantly surprised. A human drama through and through, this character essay on the modern mature masculine is brilliantly written, acted, and directed. The world really needs more Wallys. Two !Q! Golden Gauntlet Stamps of Awesome in a row?? Has Hollywood FINALLY turned the corner to understand exactly what makes a story worth watching?? Stay Tuned....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1205489/

Best HOME Theater Snack Food

For those of you that have not figured out that:
Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.

I have a new one for you to try out:
Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips + Salsa con Queso = Crazy Tasteplosion.

An Oldie but goodie:
Microwave Butter Popcorn + Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Packet = Teh Yum.

What wierd recipes do YOU like?
Up Next: Gran Torino Review
Coming Soon: The !Q! has a 2008 award ceremony! Be afraid.... Be very afraid....

OK I swear Comments Work Now

Hellllo Readers.
Prior to now the comments failed miserably and I've had several people tell me that I suck.
Well guess what?
Not only do I suck but I suck WELL. And I have many many hot women who will back me up on this *in my head*..... Sooooo go ahead and tell me what you think of my reviews!!

Watchmen (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
One of Time's 100 Greatest Novels of all time and one of my personal favorites gets the big Hollywood treatment. Directed by Zack Snyder (300).

Hype:
Jizz in my Pants. I have been looking forward to this movie for nearly a year and I'm begging for it not to disappoint.

Opening Thoughts:
Wow. The characters and story are spot on. I could do without the 60s and 70s soundtrack though - kind of a wierd choice in my book. Costuming is amazing. Movie is a little Tim Burton dark for me though. Every character's origin is intact and appropriately placed. This is impressive.

Bottom Line:
If you are a Watchmen fan, go see it now. If you are a comic book movie fan, go see it now. If you aren't, then wait for DVD. This is a 167 (almost 3 hours) long movie and it definately feels like it. Those reviewers who say the movie is non-stop and action packed are wrong: While there is plenty of action it is spaced out and every bit of the comic is lovingly detailed in the film. Zack Snyder continues to be one of my favorite directors as he really knows how to please the fans of the material he's working with. The actors do an absolutely amazing job and the special effects blew me away. WARNING FOR FANS: The ending IS changed. However, I feel that this ending is actually BETTER than the original as it makes a ton more sense and won't lose the audience the way a Psychic Squid Alien Invasion would have. I could make a lot of blue banana jokes but I won't. This is the second film to get the Q GOLDEN GAUNTLET STAMP OF AWESOME (tm).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/

Quarantine (Review)

What I knew going in:
Zombie Flick #81263509176 starring nobody important about a group of people who are locked inside of a Quarantined building - by whom or why is unknown...

Hype:
Meh. I've seen quite a number of these kinds of movies and as usual, it was something to have on while I worked on my laptop.

Opening Thoughts:
The writing is pretty sharp. The opening here is pretty funny and the actors and director are doing a great job with trying to keep things as similar to actual life as possible. OK, we're at the building. Ouch saw the first death coming... But not the second - that was a good one. The tension is ratcheting up nicely... Man I should have watched this with the lights off.

Bottom Line:
This is about as good as any zombie film I've seen in the last five years. The characters all act very realistically - they are scared when they should be and tough when they need to be. The zombies are plenty zombie-esque in the modern rage zombie way. About the only complaint here is the one that I have with most of the horror genre which is that I am really really sick of these films failing to explain just what the hell is going on. This one is better than most: if you go over certain scenes (or read the wiki) you can piece together most of the plot. Our Scream Queen for this film is plenty hot and does a pretty damn good job of selling her fear - way more than most and her ability here is what really sells it. You want to scare yourself for a good hour out of the 90 minutes, this film is a great way to do it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1082868/

Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nobody important in a fantasy tale about a young man who must ... ... oh who am I kidding? We all know this is going to be a loathesome pile of tripe.

Hype:
Hobo Ass. One of the worst characters in all of Hollywood gets not one but TWO sequels? Will my suffering never end?!?!?!

Opening Thoughts:
"I have done unnoble things son, of that I can assure you!" Whaaaaa..?? Uh-Oh - the evil King Dark Arts Magician AND wrestler all in one is about to unleash a plot arrow on your brother - RIDE, FOOL! Ride for your life!!! ((THWUNCK)) Yep, there aint no outrunning the plot arrow. No way - a Plot arrow AND and arranged marriage to the love interest? This is more like "Rise of the Cliche"

Bottom Line:
One part Conan, One Part Xena, One Part Krull, and all parts awful. Here's another priceless tidbit: The Goddess of Love and War (Astarte) herself has to endure this line: "Oh, Come on... There's no reason to get agitated... we can handle this like mature adults..." Yep no doubt about it - that's the first thing I'd be telling a Goddess... This film has the characterization of a third rate Superhero (like The Question), a plot worthy of a $20 budget video game, and the special effects of the drunken second cousin of some nobody at ILM. Oh wait, here comes the end... The love interest and a roadie are putting out fires while being shot at with arrows and... and... WTF? the people are cheering? And theres no more arrows? Where the hell did all the guards go? I guess there was some other hopeless fantasy manure that needed some extra guards over on Stage Five... Uwe Boll, eat your heart out, cause you actually have competition for the low point of 2009...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104123/

Yes Man (Review)

What I knew going in:
Jim Carrey tries to re-launch his career by doing what he's known for: Being a complete goofball.

Hype:
Meh+ I didn't get a chance to see it when it first came out but I took it in this weekend while I was trying to come up with a business profile of myself. Yep - 90 minutes and I have maybe two paragraphs. **sigh**

Opening Thoughts:
Jim Carrey being an idiot? Check. Zoey Deschanel still ridiculously hot? Check. Romantic Comedy Plot going exactly where I expect it to? Check. 'Seperate Ways' by Foreigner as a ringtone for your best MALE friend? WTF? How did THAT get through editing? Just leaned the lamp over to turn it on and dumped an entire Beowulf Mug of cold cold water on my ass? Check.

Bottom Line:
Its not Liar Liar but it has some good lines and funny moments. Outside of that, and its basic level of competence, this is a typical cookie-cutter Romantic Comedy. You know what? To hell with that. That whole Genre of films isn't even deserving of two seperate words so from now on I'm calling 'em Romedys. Don't expect too much and you won't be too disappointed. Its definately not funny enough to relaunch a career on. I saw the other day that Ace Ventura Jr. Pet Detective came out direct to DVD and I think he might have been better off doing another one of those. Zoey, you can stay in the "relevant" column, but Jim, I'm sorry to say you're moved over to the "Has Been" list.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068680/

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (Review)

What I knew going in:
The primary backstory to one of the worst Genre Series of all time. Stars nobody of importance but has all of the original actors from the first two travesties.

Hype:
Meh-. My buddy Zach really wanted to see this so I went with him. But hey he sucked it up for The Spirit so I owed him one.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh my, the main heroine has lips that could only have come from an unholy union from Charo and Steve Tyler. Yep - Damn film is still way too dark. Yep - shoddy camera work still doesn't make the action scenes more "edgy". Oh wait a sec. That was pretty awesome.. The actors took some acting classes since the last one. I'm actually Like-in' (Lycan) this movie? WTF? Dude, I seriously want a pair of the Lord's contact Vamp lenses.

Bottom Line:
This Werewolf vs. Vampire film should have been the first one released in the series. It neatly plugs all of the backstory that we were missing from the first two films that made them seem incomplete. Had they been released in the correct order the series might have had some merit, but as it is now, the only redeeming quality of the entire trilogy is Kate Beckinsale's ass. This is a fun action movie that has its good points and bad, but is pretty passable overall. If you liked the other two, you'll love this one. If you haven't seen the other two don't bother with em and only see this one if you're particularly bored.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0834001/

Changeling (Review)

What I knew going in:
Angelina Jolie and John Malkovich in a True Crime Drama about a woman whose son disappears and the police return a boy to her that isn't hers.

Hype:
Meh. I've heard this is a possible Oscar Contender for Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actor. Normally this would lower my interest, but hey, I had a bunch of work to do, exciting things like quoting hardware and drawing network diagrams, and so this seemed like a perfect choice for background noise.

Opening Thoughts:
Period Dramas almost universally have big money behind them and the costuming and sets are top notch. Wow. This woman really cares about her son. I mean "Eat your breakfast before it gets cold." "Its cereal, mom its supposed to be cold." Half-Smile. Now that's emotion and empathy. You should interpret that last comment to mean ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZ. Yeesh, Hollywood, can you doll up the MALE KIDS a little more? I don't think you got a red enough lipstick on em...

Bottom Line:
Written by J Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5, Jerimiah) and Directed by Clint Eastwood (I can't help you if you don't know who Clint Eastwood is) this movie is superbly written and directed. The story kept me riveted, Malkovich and the supporting cast are great, but Angelina can't act up a broken leg. Brad needs to remind her how to be convincing on screen. I wonder if she would have been more convincing if she had born children instead of adopting. So, despite Jolie sucking the life out of the script, this is still a recommended film about an event that will terrify most parents. I can make a case for Best Supporting for Malkovich, but Best Actor and Best Film of 2008? Hardly. Hell, there are at least three other films IN MY BLOG ALONE that are better than this one.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0824747/

Push (Review)

What I Knew Going In:
Chris Evans, Dakota Fanning, and Djimon Hounsou in a Sci-Fi Action flick where the main characters can use superpowers.

Hype:
Meh+. When I first saw the trailer for this I thought it had potential, but I was prepared to be utterly crushed and disappointed.... I mean, how many of these films have come and gone while I've paid more attention to my cat. Recently we've had Hancock (CRAP), Jumper (Almost CRAP), and Wanted (Not Bad).

Opening Thoughts:
The effects are top notch. Hmmm son of a former hero who has managed to screw his life up royally = TIRED characterization. Dakota's kind of a spunky smart-ass, which is probably not much of an act for her... Hunh? A plot twist about ten minutes into the movie? Maybe this will be better than I thought.

Bottom Line:
Despite the fact that the main character, Nick, is a tool of the highest order, this is a great flick. I was continually wowed by both the sound and visual effects, both of which take back seat to an amazing plot. Tons of twists and an excellently crafted world bring the tale to life in an unusual way that makes sense while not breaking its own logic. And, believe it or not, a script this good didn't come from a book. The director's last major project was Lucky Number Slevin, another superb movie. Paul Mcguigan is definately one to watch out for in the future, although he has no projects upcoming listed on IMDB. While the film is clearly open for a sequel, it does give plenty of plot resolution. Add the fact that the heroine is SMOKIN hot is a Girl Next Door way, and some decent modern rock for the soundtrack, Push really hits on all fronts. Its not perfect, its got a couple of semi-slow points and there's a glaring editing goof (A car carrying the kidnapped heroine is on a huge suspension bridge, and in the very next shot you see the car pulling up to a diner and that same bridge is in the background at an angle that shows you'd have to drive halfway around Hong Kong to get there). None of it detracts from the experience, however, and I can't wait to get a Hi-Def copy of this on my system at home so I can crank the bass on those sound effects. Highly Recommended.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465580/

City of Ember (Review)

What I knew Going In:
A children's adventure film about an underground city and the mystery of why the city was failing. Stars Tim Robbins and Bill Murray.

Hype:
Meh+ I wanted to see this in the theater just for the effects, sets, and costuming, but didn't get around to it in time.

Opening Thoughts:
I hope they explain why the world is dying... Great musical score... Evidently there will be a way out of Ember as its the central theme of the plot. Wow, there must have been a major stockpile of cosmetics and hairstyling products considering they've been underground for more than 200 years yet everyone looks like they stepped out of a salon...

Bottom Line:
I am just in love with the way that some children's films contain monsters that will give them all nightmares. This is not a young children's film but rather a young adult film. While the plot is entirely predictable, the actors do a good job in selling the theme and the ride to the end is quite enjoyable. If you have someone in your family of the right age, this movie will be a fun experience you can share. On the down side, the reason the world was dying and Ember created was never explained, and while the main characters of Ember escape, there is no real resolution. More than likely their enire society will perish above ground without the skills to farm, hunt, and build shelter. The gene population left in Ember wouldn't be diverse enough to start over unless there were many other Embers around. Food would certainly NOT be what I stockpiled in a secret room in the underground city were I the Mayor...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0970411/

Highlander: The Search For Vengeance (Anime DVD Review)

What I knew Going In:
Highlander fiction in Japanese Animation.

Hype:
Never even knew it existed until a few days ago. I was bored and I needed to kill some time while doing something for a client so I fgured why not - I've wasted hours of my life watching worse things *cough* ENGLISH PATIENT! *cough*

Opening Thoughts:
Music's not bad. Graphics are solid and savage. Colin Macleod? I mean wasn't Connor and Duncan enough? I swear that is one Clan you DO NOT want to f*** with.

Bottom Line:
Its better than every movie except the first one. Its not top notch but if you're bored like I was you could do worse. A "reimaging" of the original is slated for release in 2010. I haven't heard anything about it other than noticing that it was in pre-production on IMDB. Given that the last what 4 sequels and the TV series have been about as good as a bikini wax from a belt sander, I can only hope the 2010 film doesn't continue the legacy of suck. Put some money into it, get a decent cast and script, get Metallica to cover the original Queen tracks, and the nerds will be shouting from the rooftops. In the meantime, watch the anime flick, and realize that for this franchise, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE (good one).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465657/

Hancock (DVD Review)

What I knew going in:
Will Smith in a Superhero Action Comedy.

Hype:
Meh+. I saw this a couple of weeks after it came out. I was disappointed but was hoping that additional story and scenes might make for a better movie on DVD, as with Babylon AD.

Opening Thoughts:
Yep still not funny. Something about an irresponsible superhero just rubs me the wrong way. The guy behaves more like a villian. Its still a redemption plot. BooHoo I'm a Black Superman.

Bottom Line:
This film has all the hallmarks of a big blockbuster. Awesome special effects. Big Stars. Lots of Hype. Problem is, for a superhero film, the thing just has no heart. The comedy falls flat, Hancock's opening antics have no real consequences, and there's no resolution at the end of the film and we are left with our imaginations as to what will happen with the major characters. And "Uncut"? Two or three extra sex joke scenes do not constitute for a better movie. These scenes SHOULD have been cut from the film. It didn't annoy me as much this time around, and that's the best I thing I can type about it. Hollywood has become so inbred with its sub-culture of shoddy writing that I'm surprised the script come with buckteeth.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448157/

The Accidental Husband (Review)

What I knew Going In:
Uma Thurman (Kill Bill) in a Romantic Comedy.

Hype:
Meh- Once in a long while I suffer through one of these just so I can discuss it at a business function. I am a horrible romantic at heart, however.

Opening Thoughts:
Opening up the Cliche checklist: Boring but mature masculine (check). Hot woman dating the mature but is unsure of the relationship (check). Better Looking but immature fun guy (check). Massive amount of contrived situational BS (check). Lies upon lies forming house of cards that you know is going to fall by the end (check).

Bottom Line:
If you are the kind of person who likes Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond, then this flick is for you. For the rest of us: you've already seen this movie fifty or sixty times. There isn't any real "comedy" in this - its really more of a romantic drama. This kind of mush is purely for immature girls who enjoy being emotionally manipulated OR teenagers looking to get away from their parents for some hot petting in the theater. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go scrub my eyes and ears out with a drill press then go piss off the Punisher for some well deserved Dance Dance on my Junk Revolution Frank Castle Style.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0809504/

Traitor (Review)

What I knew going in:
Don Cheadle (Ocean's 11,12,13) and Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber) in a middle eastern spy flick directed by Jeffrey Nachmanoff (Day after Tomorrow).

Hype:
Meh. I'm into spy films but I'd been hearing this one had Oscar buzz which would normally make it a Meh-. Add in the director from a crappy Sci-Fi disaster fim, who co-wrote the script, and you have a recipe for Overhyped Boredom Sushi.

Opening Thoughts:
Nice Mandelbrots during the opening credits. Music's pretty good. Wow. A car bomb opening. . .how. . .original. . .

Bottom Line:
Go. Rent. This. Now. Despite all of the things it had going against it, not the least of which was a decent competitor in Body of Lies, Cheadle's character and Nachmanoff's Script turn in a real nailbiter with one hell of an ending. I'm not convinced that Cheadle deserves Oscar buzz for the role, nonetheless his character is instantly likable yet hard to figure out which side he's really on. Heaps of good plot twists help this one stay interesting all of the way through. This gets the Q's GOLDEN GAUNTLET STAMP OF AWESOME (tm). In addition, nobody saw this movie in the theater (Domestic Gross of 23 million), which means that after you see it you'll have something to watch and recommend to your buddies who will either a) think you are a film genius or b) think you got lucky renting and are claiming to be a film genius.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988047/

Babylon A.D. (Uncut DVD Review)

What I knew going in:
Vin Diesel in an Action Sci-Fi Flick. Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz (5th Element). Chronicles of Riddick + 5th Element? Ok so its going to be WEIRD.

Hype:
Meh+ - I saw this in the theater, which had a drugged out heroin addict for an editor. Scenes were not cut together properly and the ending looked like he fell asleep at the wheel. The resulting Felony EUI looked like a 12 car pile-up at the bottom of Lombard Street that included a gasoline hauler. This version is the EUROPEAN cut of the film with an additional 15 minutes - all of which I was hoping would explain the PLOT that was left out of American Theaters.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh man that rap song int he beginning hasn't gotten any better. I could do better pushing rappers down the stairs at Chichen Itza and editing what's left. OK Vin we get it. You're a badass. Stop punishing the Asian weapons dealer half your size to prove it.

Bottom Line:
Hey guess what? Much like many Director's Cuts before it such as Abyss, Independance Day, and the all time classic of -why the hell did you leave that out scenes- Aliens, Babylon AD all of a sudden makes sense. The first half of the film is basically a long chase scene, setting up the darkly futuristic, almost cyberpunk feeling ending. Love it or Hate it, how you feel about Sci-Fi is going to determine much of your enjoyment of this film. I can like it despite its flaws and now that I understand the story I can recommend it to other future-heads. Lets all hope the Vatican is never able to capitalize on this premise, nor that we fall as a society so far as to allow them to deceive us in this way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364970/

Pineapple Express (Review)

What I knew going in:
Seth Rogen

Hype:
Meh. Another comedy. Whatever. Do something to impress me please.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh no its a weed movie. I mean, the closest I've ever come to doing drugs is getting a contact high. People acting stupid is going to be this whole movie's schtick.

Bottom Line:
Bored. Bored. Not funny. Oh wait that's .... uh... yeah. kinda. Hunh? Witness to a murder? Car chase? Exploding barns? WTF? Am I on drugs just sitting here? Alright so the first half of the movie, the parts that are supposed to be funny, fell completely flat. Its only once the actual plot gets started that the movie has a smidgeon of wit and takes you along for a admittedly wierd ride. While its not half bad, I can't recommend this to anyone, UNLESS you are having a doob with a pack of buddies at least once a week and you need a drug movie to get you through the lows between drags. Go get any other Seth Rogen movie - they are all better than this one.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910936/

The Spirit (Review)

What I knew going in:
Frank Miller (Sin City) Directs his first film. Based on a comic book by Will Eisner (Golden Age Comics). Stars Scarlett Johannsen (YuM) Samuel L Jackson (There's m-r f-in Snakes on a Plane!) and lots of other hot chicks in Skimpy Outfits. What's not to like here?

Hype:
Meh+ - I don't know the story and haven't read the comic. However just about everyone in this film is a plus so it should be pretty good.

Opening Thoughts:
Sin City style colorization looks as good as it did a couple of years ago. The parkour action is really inconsistent though - some looks good - some looks WAY stupid. Uh oh.... the opening monologue is kinda lame....

Bottom Line:
First off I have to give my buddy Zach some mad props here. He went with me even though he'd already seen it. There are moments of Shiny, Polished Rocks of brilliance in this film - too bad it doesn't make up for the steaming pile of script that needed more rewrites than an adaptation of "Mister Rogers does his Neighbor in the Hood". This movie is like taking a nice morning jog only to find out five steps into your house that you mangled a dog turd all over your Reeboks and your floor. It stinks. Badly. It sticks with you long after its over. And it pisses you off every time you think about it. So much potential for this movie and so little in return. A perfect example that nobody is infalliable. YOU READING THIS FRANK? GO CASH YOUR CHECK AND HIDE FROM MARV CAUSE I'M SENDING HIM TO LAY SOME ASPHALT TO YOUR FACE! (P.S. Nice Jacket...)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0831887/

Pride and Glory (Review)

What I knew going in:
Ed Norton and Collin Farrel in a New York Cop Crime Drama

Hype:
Meh+. I've seen a lot of these fims and they range from epic (Deaprted) to garbage (Copland) Ed Norton has a tendency to pick good scripts, and his acting can carry a movie.

Opening Thoughts:
Wow. This isn't wasting any time. After a very brief character introduction it gets right into the plot. No boring 30 minute crap opening trying to make me feel for people I don't have any connection to. Bravo.

Bottom Line:
I've been surprised lately by the number of competent films released by Hollywood recently. There haven't been many blockbusters or breakouts, but at least they're not trying to feed us another batch of Southern California cow patty vegan pizzas disguised as entertainment. This fim doesn't take many chances, the plot and acting are excellent, and it has a rather satisfying conclusion. Old Fashioned Good Cop vs Bad Cop tales with an extra layer of savage gravy are what's for dinner and the eatins mighty fine.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482572/

Seven Pounds (Review)

What I knew going in:
Will Smith in a mystery about seven people.

Hype:
Meh-. I like Smith's action movies, and even some of the others like Hitch were passable.

Opening Thoughts:
I tend to like movies based on a twist so long as the twist isn't too easy to see coming. To be honest, I figured since this was supposed to be a Oscar Contender I should at least see it so that I could talk with other people about it.

Bottom Line:
Congratulations on adding a new Film to the Suicide Trifecta of Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come, and Requiem for a Dream. This film is depressing in so many ways, the least of which was the twist. Ugh. I despise films that are blatant attempts at emotional manipulation. In addition, the message that the only way to make up for a horrible mistake is to commit suicide and use your organs to save the lives of others made my moral center want to put on some steel toes and take a trip on over to the writer's junk drawer. A chick flick of the highest order, keep your Y chromosome safe and leave this piece of trash for the co-dependant women who will gush that its the best movie since Beaches.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814314/