Twilight (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another bunch of nobodies in a Urban Fantasy Vampire Romance.

Hype:
Meh-. I recently read Stephanie Myers' The Host and was quite impressed so I figure I'd give this a shot. However, as is usual with any movie I think is a Meh- I was expecting maybe a good special effect or two and some fine young thing to take my mind off the contracts I was working on for my company.

Opening Thoughts:
Is it a bad sign that the most interesting thing in the first 35 minutes to me was that the characters were sharing Red Vines at a beach? Or is that just a prelude to the boredom I felt as the director established characters that weren't developing through the story...

Bottom Line:
Myers is a very talented author with a vivid imagination for bringing to life things you wouldn't normally think about. However, the director and screenwriter manage to botch the entire story. There is no character development whatsoever in this film - I bet there is quite a bit in the novel. There is no emotion or romance between the main characters, or for any of the other on screen couples - they are as dry and cold as their vampire counterparts. While some of the "power shows" are fun in their own right, this film fails on nearly every other level. I can't remember a movie that I felt Meh- before and Meh- after. *Yawn* Its become clear to me recently that the Urban Fantasy genre has become little more than the modern evolution of the Harlequin Romance. As long as we as a society continue to embellish this kind of nonsensical love mythos we deserve our huge divorce rates and disillusioned youth.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/

The Unborn (Review)

What I knew going in:
A young hottie (Odette Yustman - most recently in Cloverfield) is haunted by the ghost of her unborn twin. Directed by David S Goyer (who recently worked on The Dark Knight)

Hype:
Meh-. I saw the trailer for this film amd thought it might be at least kinda fun to see young miss hottie's goods and maybe a half decent special effect or two.

Opening Thoughts:
At least this isn't wasting any time with the whole "she's just crazy" angle that darn near every ghost story or demon possession tale takes so that it can suck up an extra half hour or so with crapola. Its getting right into it and waaaaaait a sec - did her friends believe her too? Evidently Goyer thinks more of friendship and the human condition than the last 500 or so horror screenwriters...

Bottom Line:
Yep, the effects are pretty decent. Yep, she's hot. Nope, there's not a damn thing to recommend this one over the other 500 of these kinds of films made in the last decade. A lot of people like conspiracy theroies, so here'ss one for you. Take a popular new director with a big hit on his hands, throw in a few producers who think the guy walks on water, and a Hollywood full of struggling actresses, and what do you get? Most Expensive Hooker Ever. She's hot sure, but $16 mil hot? I mean, go read some of her quotes in IMDB - we're talking above cabbage but short of broccoli. Oh, no wonder she's hot and dumb - she graduated from a Christian College. You know a movie can't be all that great when you're busy rambling on about the actress instead of the plot...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1139668/

Bedtime Stories (Review)

What I knew going in:
Adam Sandler stars as himself, a total goofball whose niece and nephew have the ability to make their bedtime stories come to life in the real world.

Hype:
Meh. I'm a big kid at heart, but not big enough to spend $10 on this in the theater unless I was taking my own niece to see it. Since I never show a child a movie I haven't already seen, it was time to see if this was going to be a family friendly flick or something more along the lines of Happy Gilmore.

Opening Thoughts:
Sandler's back to his original form - unpredictable, silly, and out in left field somewhere. Unlike with Jim Carrey's Yes Man, it works in this film because of its lighthearted tone. What kind of mom doesn't let their kids watch TV or eat hamburgers? What kind of mom makes birthday cake out of all-natural healthy organic only ingredie.... is that GRASS as a replacement for icing? Well, now I know what it would be like to live under the yolk of militant veganism...

Bottom Line:
Made for big kids as well as little kids, Bedtime Stories just flat works as a great piece of escapist entertainment. It has a fairly predictable plot, but it amuses you enough along the way that the lack of a "Shocking Twist" won't bother you in the least. There's a reason this broke 100 mil at the domestic box office. While not quite enough to get the wholehearted !Q! approval, anyone looking for light-hearted family romantic comedy could a lot worse.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960731/

2008 Awards Ceremony (Part 1)

Welcome to the show. I'm not rich enough to have someone like Alec Baldwin host my awards using half-wit one liners to sell advertising, so lets get right to it.

BEST ACTION HERO:
The nominees are: Christopher Bale (Dark Knight), Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), and Daniel Craig (Quantum of Solace).
The !Q! goes to: Christopher Bale - Seriously, have you seen the Title area of my blog? Nobody topped Batman this year despite a gravelly and lispy voice that seemed better suited for the upcoming Dwayne "Rock" Johnson reimagining of The Birdcage.

WORST ACTION HERO:
The nominees are: Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull), Nicholas Cage (Bangkok Dangerous) and Gabriel Macht (The Spirit).
The !Q! goes to: Gabriel Macht. Have you seen this film? No? Good - nobody else did either. With a domestic gross of $19 mil, it proves that Sin City + 300 + Superheroes = Train Wreck. Lionsgate: Take your steaming piles of director - Frank Miller and Uwe Boll, and choose my ass crack as your next shoot location. Add a few out of work for a reason actors and another crappy comic book or video game tie-in, and maybe, just maybe, I might create a Movie Hit Squad and put you out of your misery.

WORST MOVIE TITLE:
The nominees are: The X-Files I want to Believe, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and The Mummy Tomb of the Dragon Emporer.
The !Q! goes to: Indiana Jones. In what should have been called Indiana Jones and the worst comeback sequel of all time, George Lucas has continued his tradition of, and I quote from my buddy The Fist, "Taking a dump on my childhood and rubbing my face in the mess". George take this as a hint: The only reason your movies are better than Uwe Boll's is because you get $185 million to waste two hours of my life. What's next, Indiana Jones and the Ghost of the Colostomy Bag? Or maybe Indiana Jones and the Return of the Emo Angsty Teen Short Round?

NEXT ACTOR THAT WILL BE MOVED TO TV TO WATCH THER MOVIE CAREER DIE:
The nominees are: Samuel L Jackson, Vin Diesel, and Jason Statham.
The !Q! goes to: What? Are you KIDDING ME? All three of them have insanely crappy sequels to earlier failed movies coming out in 2009? Fast and the Furious 4? CRANK 2? SNAKES ON A PLANE 2?!?!?! Forget what I wrote a couple of days ago about Hollywood improving itself.

Well, that's all the ire I can muster for one evening. Tune in after these commercial breaks for more of the Q 2008 Awards Ceremony, which will probably include: Best and Worst Twist, Best Sex Scene, and Villian who should have Triumphed but didn't.

Gran Torino (Review)

What I knew going in:
Clint Eastwood is a old war veteran in a rapidly changing neighborhood and has to take on an Asian gang that has recently moved in nearby.

Hype:
Meh. I had heard through the grapevine that this was a good film, and I was ready to watch a grizzled old Vet whup some ass something fierce. I was ready for a Death Sentence, Punisher War Zone, Taken kind of beat down because let's face it: Growing up was there anyone more badass than Dirty Harry, Blondie (Good Bad Ugly), The Preacher Man (Pale Rider) or Bill Munny (Unforgiven)?

Opening Thoughts:
Dude, nobody can scowl or derisively grunt like Clint Eastwood. His general attitude here is reminding me of Nicholson's classic schitzo from As good as it Gets. If for no other reason, I am enjoying the lead up to the carnage through Clint's absolutely putrid vernacular. I think I might even have to take notes on the racial slurs - they're that good.

Bottom Line:
Wow. What I expected to be an action flick turns out to be a coming of age film for a young asian boy who needs to be taught how to be a man. My expectations couldn't have been more off, and I can't say that I have EVER been more pleasantly surprised. A human drama through and through, this character essay on the modern mature masculine is brilliantly written, acted, and directed. The world really needs more Wallys. Two !Q! Golden Gauntlet Stamps of Awesome in a row?? Has Hollywood FINALLY turned the corner to understand exactly what makes a story worth watching?? Stay Tuned....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1205489/

Best HOME Theater Snack Food

For those of you that have not figured out that:
Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.

I have a new one for you to try out:
Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips + Salsa con Queso = Crazy Tasteplosion.

An Oldie but goodie:
Microwave Butter Popcorn + Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Packet = Teh Yum.

What wierd recipes do YOU like?
Up Next: Gran Torino Review
Coming Soon: The !Q! has a 2008 award ceremony! Be afraid.... Be very afraid....

OK I swear Comments Work Now

Hellllo Readers.
Prior to now the comments failed miserably and I've had several people tell me that I suck.
Well guess what?
Not only do I suck but I suck WELL. And I have many many hot women who will back me up on this *in my head*..... Sooooo go ahead and tell me what you think of my reviews!!

Watchmen (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
One of Time's 100 Greatest Novels of all time and one of my personal favorites gets the big Hollywood treatment. Directed by Zack Snyder (300).

Hype:
Jizz in my Pants. I have been looking forward to this movie for nearly a year and I'm begging for it not to disappoint.

Opening Thoughts:
Wow. The characters and story are spot on. I could do without the 60s and 70s soundtrack though - kind of a wierd choice in my book. Costuming is amazing. Movie is a little Tim Burton dark for me though. Every character's origin is intact and appropriately placed. This is impressive.

Bottom Line:
If you are a Watchmen fan, go see it now. If you are a comic book movie fan, go see it now. If you aren't, then wait for DVD. This is a 167 (almost 3 hours) long movie and it definately feels like it. Those reviewers who say the movie is non-stop and action packed are wrong: While there is plenty of action it is spaced out and every bit of the comic is lovingly detailed in the film. Zack Snyder continues to be one of my favorite directors as he really knows how to please the fans of the material he's working with. The actors do an absolutely amazing job and the special effects blew me away. WARNING FOR FANS: The ending IS changed. However, I feel that this ending is actually BETTER than the original as it makes a ton more sense and won't lose the audience the way a Psychic Squid Alien Invasion would have. I could make a lot of blue banana jokes but I won't. This is the second film to get the Q GOLDEN GAUNTLET STAMP OF AWESOME (tm).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/

Quarantine (Review)

What I knew going in:
Zombie Flick #81263509176 starring nobody important about a group of people who are locked inside of a Quarantined building - by whom or why is unknown...

Hype:
Meh. I've seen quite a number of these kinds of movies and as usual, it was something to have on while I worked on my laptop.

Opening Thoughts:
The writing is pretty sharp. The opening here is pretty funny and the actors and director are doing a great job with trying to keep things as similar to actual life as possible. OK, we're at the building. Ouch saw the first death coming... But not the second - that was a good one. The tension is ratcheting up nicely... Man I should have watched this with the lights off.

Bottom Line:
This is about as good as any zombie film I've seen in the last five years. The characters all act very realistically - they are scared when they should be and tough when they need to be. The zombies are plenty zombie-esque in the modern rage zombie way. About the only complaint here is the one that I have with most of the horror genre which is that I am really really sick of these films failing to explain just what the hell is going on. This one is better than most: if you go over certain scenes (or read the wiki) you can piece together most of the plot. Our Scream Queen for this film is plenty hot and does a pretty damn good job of selling her fear - way more than most and her ability here is what really sells it. You want to scare yourself for a good hour out of the 90 minutes, this film is a great way to do it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1082868/

Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nobody important in a fantasy tale about a young man who must ... ... oh who am I kidding? We all know this is going to be a loathesome pile of tripe.

Hype:
Hobo Ass. One of the worst characters in all of Hollywood gets not one but TWO sequels? Will my suffering never end?!?!?!

Opening Thoughts:
"I have done unnoble things son, of that I can assure you!" Whaaaaa..?? Uh-Oh - the evil King Dark Arts Magician AND wrestler all in one is about to unleash a plot arrow on your brother - RIDE, FOOL! Ride for your life!!! ((THWUNCK)) Yep, there aint no outrunning the plot arrow. No way - a Plot arrow AND and arranged marriage to the love interest? This is more like "Rise of the Cliche"

Bottom Line:
One part Conan, One Part Xena, One Part Krull, and all parts awful. Here's another priceless tidbit: The Goddess of Love and War (Astarte) herself has to endure this line: "Oh, Come on... There's no reason to get agitated... we can handle this like mature adults..." Yep no doubt about it - that's the first thing I'd be telling a Goddess... This film has the characterization of a third rate Superhero (like The Question), a plot worthy of a $20 budget video game, and the special effects of the drunken second cousin of some nobody at ILM. Oh wait, here comes the end... The love interest and a roadie are putting out fires while being shot at with arrows and... and... WTF? the people are cheering? And theres no more arrows? Where the hell did all the guards go? I guess there was some other hopeless fantasy manure that needed some extra guards over on Stage Five... Uwe Boll, eat your heart out, cause you actually have competition for the low point of 2009...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104123/

Yes Man (Review)

What I knew going in:
Jim Carrey tries to re-launch his career by doing what he's known for: Being a complete goofball.

Hype:
Meh+ I didn't get a chance to see it when it first came out but I took it in this weekend while I was trying to come up with a business profile of myself. Yep - 90 minutes and I have maybe two paragraphs. **sigh**

Opening Thoughts:
Jim Carrey being an idiot? Check. Zoey Deschanel still ridiculously hot? Check. Romantic Comedy Plot going exactly where I expect it to? Check. 'Seperate Ways' by Foreigner as a ringtone for your best MALE friend? WTF? How did THAT get through editing? Just leaned the lamp over to turn it on and dumped an entire Beowulf Mug of cold cold water on my ass? Check.

Bottom Line:
Its not Liar Liar but it has some good lines and funny moments. Outside of that, and its basic level of competence, this is a typical cookie-cutter Romantic Comedy. You know what? To hell with that. That whole Genre of films isn't even deserving of two seperate words so from now on I'm calling 'em Romedys. Don't expect too much and you won't be too disappointed. Its definately not funny enough to relaunch a career on. I saw the other day that Ace Ventura Jr. Pet Detective came out direct to DVD and I think he might have been better off doing another one of those. Zoey, you can stay in the "relevant" column, but Jim, I'm sorry to say you're moved over to the "Has Been" list.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068680/