Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nobody important in a fantasy tale about a young man who must ... ... oh who am I kidding? We all know this is going to be a loathesome pile of tripe.

Hype:
Hobo Ass. One of the worst characters in all of Hollywood gets not one but TWO sequels? Will my suffering never end?!?!?!

Opening Thoughts:
"I have done unnoble things son, of that I can assure you!" Whaaaaa..?? Uh-Oh - the evil King Dark Arts Magician AND wrestler all in one is about to unleash a plot arrow on your brother - RIDE, FOOL! Ride for your life!!! ((THWUNCK)) Yep, there aint no outrunning the plot arrow. No way - a Plot arrow AND and arranged marriage to the love interest? This is more like "Rise of the Cliche"

Bottom Line:
One part Conan, One Part Xena, One Part Krull, and all parts awful. Here's another priceless tidbit: The Goddess of Love and War (Astarte) herself has to endure this line: "Oh, Come on... There's no reason to get agitated... we can handle this like mature adults..." Yep no doubt about it - that's the first thing I'd be telling a Goddess... This film has the characterization of a third rate Superhero (like The Question), a plot worthy of a $20 budget video game, and the special effects of the drunken second cousin of some nobody at ILM. Oh wait, here comes the end... The love interest and a roadie are putting out fires while being shot at with arrows and... and... WTF? the people are cheering? And theres no more arrows? Where the hell did all the guards go? I guess there was some other hopeless fantasy manure that needed some extra guards over on Stage Five... Uwe Boll, eat your heart out, cause you actually have competition for the low point of 2009...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104123/