Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another game to movie translation... Will it suck? Will it Hoover? Will it go from bad to worse to Whhaaaaa? Will it soar to the depths of the first one? Can new Chun Li outstrip the awful that was Jean Claude VanDamme? Just how desperate is Michael Clarke Duncan for money anyway?

Hype:
Hobo Ass - I knew from the moment I saw this trailer it was going to be horrible....But, could it rank amongst the worst movies of all time?

Opening Thoughts:
O, so she's supposed to be this total badass... but she really wants to be a concert pianist? And her mom is WHITE? And she gets punched in the gut by a hugenormous black man... wait a sec... I've seen that porno... You know these fights have more jumps in them than Super Mario 5. And now a dance off? Wasn't bad fight choreography enough? Most. Spaceous. Bathroom. Ever. The upside down break beat spin kick and not even a gratuitous panty shot. I mean did the director completely miss who his audience is? Waiiit a minute. Chun Li has to study her inner child to learn how to throw a fireball while Bison gets his powers by killing his wife and unborn daughter in an evil dark cave? And his Big Evil Power is the ability to ignore his conscience? No Question: I'll take the cave anyday.

Bottom Line:
Oof. Bad. Uwe Boll Bad. Like meat that's been left out in the sun for a day Bad. The Chun Li vs Vega fight could be worst fight sequence of all time. Plot: Miserable. Acting: Blechhh. Fighting: I could wipe my ass with more style and grace. Gunplay: Sorry. Cinematography: I've seen better green screens. There is not a single area in which this movie is passable. HOWEVER. Still not worse than Chill Factor. Please, don't make any more street fighter movies. Please. Whine Whine Sniffle.

Up (Review)

What I knew going in:
Pixar's latest. If that isn't enough for you, then bon't bother reading the rest of the review.

Hype:
Meh. Honestly, while I like Pixar films, they aren't exactly my go to place for fun and excitement. However, a lot of people told me I needed to go see it and that it was great...

Opening Thoughts:
The opening is the most accurate "This is your Life" in 15 minutes you'll ever see. Triumph and Tragedy. Brilliant. What more can you say about it?

Bottom Line:
Well, I can't be the only one to say this, but it gets two big thumbs.... well you know where. The animation quality, soundtrack, characterization... Its all there and all astounding. Take your Kids and your Parents, and you'll all have a good time. The very definition of a Feel Good movie. What, you want More than ninety minutes? No. You want twists and turns and a spooky plot? SQUIRREL!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/

Knowing (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nicolas Cage in a Mystery Thriller about a series of numbers that predict major catastrophes.

Hype:
Meh+ I thought this had potential, but after opening week, when people told me it was a tale with a religious moral to it, I took a pass on seeing it in the theater.

Opening Thoughts:
When I saw the trailer for this movie, and now watching it, I'm wondering if really we haven't seen just about the whole film in the trailer. Music is good, nice and eerily creepy as it should be. Hmmm. Like many movies recently, this isn't wasting any time moving the plot along - a trend I am wholeheartedly in favor of.

Bottom Line:
This movie is both good and bad. I've seen fewer plots more formulaic than this one. Like almost baby formulaic with strained carrots. You've seen this plot before - Mothman Prophecies immediately springs to mind. On the good side the acting, direction, cinematography and music are all great. The special effects are top notch. And now we get to the ending - without spoiling it for anyone, especially my whiny ONE follower (props to you broheim), the ending is exactly what you want to make of it. If you want it to be religious, it is, and the parallels are certainly there. However, I could easily make a counter argument against it having any religious significance. The bottom line is that in this film, as one character states, "You see what you want to see." Therein lies the hidden genius of the ending. It, like this blog, is completely open to interpretation.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448011/

Monsters vs. Aliens (Review)

What I knew going in:
As usual, the A-list turns out to lends their voices to a movie aimed at the 8-12 year audience. The plot is simple: Aliens invade, and the only ones who can stop them are the monsters the government has locked up in a top secret prison.

Hype:
Meh. I always watch these before letting my niece see them. The grapevine said it was pretty good but not great.

Opening Thoughts:
This has to have the same production and animation crew that did The Incredibles. The character likenesses and animation styles are dead on. Without looking it up you can clearly see the resemblance. Oh Look, Heroine is falling for selfish douchebag at the beginning of the movie... The only problem with these morality tales is that most women don't wake up and smell the coffee and still marry the douchebag; then wonder how their lives went so wrong. Two words for you, ladies: DUH. B.O.B is deinfately the big win in the opening...hilarious.

Bottom Line:
Definately not for my niece. Yeah its pretty funny, and yeah the plot is passable, and yeah its competent, but nothing really stands out to make me wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone. My niece would get scared by the monsters AND the aliens and would have no frame of reference for most of the jokes. The main enemy, Galaxor, steals the show for me - he's the perfect blend of mad scientist, uncaring evil, and incompetent mayor all rolled into one. Kind of reminds me of Steve Jobs...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892782/

Hitman (Review)

What I knew going in:
Timothy Olyphant in a action adventure about an assassin. Based on the Video Game of the same name.

Hype:
Meh+ I was watching this again on my new setup while I worked on invoicing. When I saw this in the theater with a buddy of mine we agreed that it was a damn fine action flick. As I like to do, I wanted to watch the film again and see if it was as good the second time around.

Opening Thoughts:
Man every time he fires his gun there's just this massive bass boom. I mean its some serious kick and I'm going to have to turn it down since its 11pm before I get the cops called on me for the I dunno third or fourth time.... Luckily my downstairs neighbor moved out recently so its a lot less likely...

Bottom Line:
Yeah, this is still a damn fine action movie. The plot is decent if predictable, the acting is passable, but what really makes it are the action sequences. Gun fights, Sword Fights, Hand to Hand combat, Point Blank Headshots, Sniper Kills, this movie has all the classics. It reminds me of Equilibrium in the respect that no action is left undone, save the Vehicle Chase. The camera moves around a lot less than in most action movies and its really really nice to SEE the action instead of seeing a seisure victim during an earthquake while on a roller coaster. In any case, if you haven't checked this out yet, and you don't mind some blood and guts, rent it tonight.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465494/