2012 (Review)

What I knew going in:
John Cusack in a disaster flick from Director Roland Emmerich, famous mostly for Independance Day.

Hype:
Meh+ Special effects were going to rule the roost in this one and that usually means theater worthiness. I am more than a little worried about the plot...

Opening Thoughts:
Uh-oh... the plot is familiar, as is the pacing and cinematography... At least the FX are not disappointing. They are amazing. I am getting to see things I've never seen before in a film during some pretty tense scenes and its fun watching the planet tear itself apart.

Bottom Line:
While 2012 is definately fun, you've seen this movie before when it was called Independance Day. From the heroic but divorced main character to the bumbling husband to the honorable and forthright President almost every character in the film is taken right from ID4. And if that wasn't bad enough, the plot is a mishmash of psuedo science that is as confusing as it is far fetched. Its great mindless entertainment, so don't expect anything more.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1190080/

Inglourious Basterds (Review)

What I knew going in:
Brad Pitt in Quentin Tarantino's latest film.  Tarantino, known for his shocking brutality on film and off screen eccentricities directs a World War II epic in which a group of American Jews exact vengeance during wartime against the Nazi army responsible for the Holocaust.

Hype:
Meh.  While normally QT's directing is good, I have seen enough WW2 flicks and killed enough Nazis in various video games over the years to fill a Solar System.  And yes, that means in excess of 50 or 60 billion.  So I wasn't all that excited to see this movie.

Opening Thoughts:
The initial sequence is brilliant and powerful, not at all what I expected.  The second sequence is also very very well done.  I am really getting into this movie and I can't wait to see what happens next...

Bottom Line:
The first 20 minutes are amazing and then it takes a downward turn so sharp you think you're heading off a ski jump.  I knew it was going to be a two and a half hour epic, and unfortunately, you have to site through two hours of boredom so snoozeworthy that by the end of the movie not only do you know exactly what is going to happen, but its not even exciting.  The only gratification is when the film ends you can actually say you sat through it.  Now, its not quite as slow as Death Proof, but its still absolutely painful.  Since his last three films, including  Kill Bill 2, were all in this "watching paint dry to dialogue" vein I am almost dreading the upcoming release of Kill Bill 3.  I'll see it, but I'm no longer looking forward to it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/

The Proposal (Review)

What I knew going in:
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in the latest romedy.  I wouldn't even watch this except that a youger female friend of mine said it was her favorite movie.  Is it worthy of favorite movie status?

Hype:
Are you kidding?  Hobo Ass all the way.

Opening Thoughts:
Bullock has never been that cute, and when she acts like a raging bitch in the beginning of this movie its probably the least amount of acting she's ever had to do.  And really Ryan Reynolds?  I mean he's got to be (checks IMDB) 12 years her junior.  He looks like a baby in this movie. 

Bottom Line:
Is it funny?  Yeah, its got its moments.  Is it romantic?  Yeah its got those too.  But what in the world makes it better than the 9 million other romedies out there?  Is it better than The Princess Bride?  Nope.  Meet the Parents?  Nope.  Even Pretty Woman, which I despise?  Nope.  This film is so cookie cutter I could make cuckolded little gingerbread men out of it.  There is no better example of the fact we are headed towards a matriarchal society than this film.  Now I need to go watch Die Hard just to balance the galactic scorecard and regain my manhood.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1041829/

Saw 6 (Review)

What I knew going in:
Will the long overlived overdone series finally be finished?  What can they do to top the gruesomeness that was the first five?  How high will the body count rise this time?  What?  You expected me to tell you who was in it and who its directing it?  Like it matters?

Hype:
Meh.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I like the first 5, cause I am a sucker for gore with a plot.  And lets face it, compared to 95% of the other horror films out there, Saw's plots sparkle like gold.

Opening Thoughts:
Let the games begin!  Or rather continue for a sixth straight movie...and... Ouchy.  Screaming, screaming, and more screaming.  Mmmmmm more gore.  I'm hungry. 

Bottom Line:
Its exactly what you want from a Saw movie.  A kind of wierd twisted plot, some serious gore and mess, and people killing each other.  If you liked the first 5, you'll like this one.  Because of this, it has a very very limited audience.  Lets hope that there is not a Saw for next Halloween.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1233227/

Funny People (Review)

What I knew going in:
Judd Apatow of 40 year old virgin fame directs a movie about a dying comedian starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen.

Hype:
Meh.  Pure comedies usually split into two parts - the Before when they are just trying to be funny, and the After when you have the moral lesson.  Lets hope this one stays funny all the way through and with a pedigree like this one has, I expect decent things.

Opening Thoughts:
Really?  All the funny parts that have been in the movie were part of the previews?  Its been 45 minutes and I am bored to tears and half depressed. 

Bottom Line:
This movie is Beaches for Men, without the sad ending.  The few laughs that weren't in the preview can't make up for two and a half hours of drama.  The last time I felt this decieved by a movie was when I saw Superman Returns, which promised a comic book tale and delivered a three hour chic flick.  Avoid this pile of manure and save your emotional well being, time, and sanity. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1201167/

AntiChrist (Review)

What I knew going in:

Willem DaFoe in a foreign horror film about a couple who loses a child and goes to their cabin in the woods to try and deal with the grief.

Hype:

Meh- I like a good scare flick but foreign films sometmes can be boring and don't translate well blunting much of the effect of the plot.

Opening Thoughts:

Wow. This film should be rated X. The opening sequence is racy, provacative, and amazing. OK now I prepared to be bored for an hour.

Bottom Line:
What I expected nothing out of became one of the most disturbing movies of all time. X rated all the way through, you have seen nothing like what is in this movie before. Only watch this film if you can stomach extreme gore and incredible mind blowing scenes. While the plot isn't that great, the sheer audacity of its filmmakers make this movie a must-see watch for 2009.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0870984/

Paranormal Activity (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another Blair Witch type horror movie attempts to scare us all with how creepy real life can be.

Hype:
Meh. While I like horror films, especially their effects, I wasn't sure if this could hold my interest. Low budget films like this tend to try to fill up time through dialogue and real life scenes that can bore you to tears if you can't connect with the characters.

Opening Thoughts:
I hate it when I hit the nail right on the head. The opening of this is as good as a double dose of NyQuil. I keep wondering how these characters are going to die. And that's never a good sign. A movie needs to capture your attention, not leave your mind so idle that it can speculate and daydream during it.

Bottom Line:
Well, as you may have read in other reviews, the end of this movie is pretty scary. It is a great idea and its well played out, but where the movie fails for me is that the "end" should have occurred about forty minutes into the film and it should have continued on with more scares and possibly a real plot. You expect this from an independant film, but I expect more for my $10.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179904/

The Ugly Truth (Review)

What I knew going in:
Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl in a romantic comedy about what men and women really want in a relationship.

Hype:
Meh- I figure most of the women I know will have seen this and having also seen it means I can hold a conversation. The things we do... *sigh*

Opening Thoughts:
I had heard nothing good about this movie from anyone. That usually means I will like it. Sure enough, the first few things in this movie are pretty funny. And accurate. Heigl is pretty good looking and its amazing how right Butler's character is. Maybe I should whip out the pencil and take notes.

Bottom Line:
Despite the ease in which you can make poorly disguised one liners with this movie's title, it turns out its a pretty good movie. It exactly what you expect with nothing more or less thrown in. People of both sexes would like to think they are above the lowbrow humor and societally incorrect points that the movie makes, but we aren't. We're mostly sheep. And like sheep, when the critics didn't like this movie people didn't see it. Their loss.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1142988/

Jennifer's Body (Review)

What I knew going in:
Megan Fox in a Horror Comedy about a high school girl that is murdered and turns into a demon.

Hype:
Megan Fox should have her own hype rating. She is all and the only hype for this movie.

Opening Thoughts:
OK this movie is really trying hard to be funny and most of the jokes are groaners or just falling flat. The first 20 minutes are boring as mud. Maybe the teens get it nowadays because I sure don't anymore.

Bottom Line:
Garbage. There's one or two funny lines in the whole film. Its lame. Its fangoria-fodder. And you don't ever get to see Megan Fox's Body. Not even a little bit. Like the most you see is a bare shoulder and cleavage that you can catch on any awards show she is at. I figured this movie was going to be bad but to not even get the R rated payoff is just like the 16-0 Patriots. All Hype and All Fail.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1131734/