The Losers (Review)

What I knew going in:
DC Comic's adult Vertigo series gets an action movie based on the comic book of the same name.  Zoe Saldana of Star Trek is the only notable star.  The director, Sylvain White, did Stomp the Yard and I'll always know what you did Last Summer, so no hope there. 

Hype:
Overall Meh.  The lack of star power combined with a mediocre director never inspires me to think this would be worth seeing in the theaters.

Opening Thoughts:
Hey this isn't as bad as I'd heard.  The action is halfway decent if far fetched and... Oh boy.  A Small Tracking Dart is fired into the side of a moving SUV and nobody notices it?  And then it explodes and the SUV goes STRAIGHT UP?!  Ugh.

Bottom Line:
It only gets worse from there.  The action sequences make no sense whatsoever.  They are confusing, sporadic, and pathetic.  The attempt to have 6 main characters each do something cool in the sequences ruin them completely.  Since this is a complete action film it makes it a complete failure.  The only cool idea in the movie is a Sonic WMD (a "Snuke") which has an awesome SFX sequence but it nowhere near makes up for the lackluster script.  This pile of crap might debut in the bargain BluRay bin.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480255/

Kick-Ass (Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
One of my favorite recent comic books gets the Silver Screen treatment.  All I'm hoping for is for it not to suck horribly.  Oh and Nick Cage gets burned alive.  That alone is worth the price of admission.

Hype:
Jizz in my pants.  Yeah I can't help it.  The comic book was awesome awesome awesome.  My inner nerd was bouncing off the walls when I heard this was being made.

Opening Thoughts:
Wait, that's not how it went in the book.  Wait there's no romance sub-drama in the book.  Wait.....  HOLY!  Hit-Girl is hilarious and freaking sicktastic!

Bottom Line:
While its not exactly the book it really doesn't matter.  Kick-Ass is exactly what every nerd fanboi wants in a movie.  Comedy and Superheroes spilling gallons of fake blood all over the place.  The plot isn't going to wow you much, and its almost entirely changed in its tone from the comic.  However, that doesn't mean its bad, just that its different.  What's truly sad is that Kick-Ass is as of now the top movie of the year.  Which ought to tell you just how bad the rest of the year has been.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1250777/

Office Space (Classic Review)

What I knew going in:
Mike Judge of Beavis and Butthead fame gets the money to do a feature film.

Hype:
Meh+ Believe it or not, I'd never seen it before. I've heard all about it, just never got around to it.

Opening Thoughts:
Oh that boss so needs to just get hit by a truck.   Wait a sec.  Two bosses?  Eight Bosses?  Lame Co-workers?  Hot girl at a restaurant you can't have?  OMG THIS IS MY LIFE.

Bottom Line:
It's everyone's life and that's the point.  Funny, Funny and more Funny makes for a great evening.  Would I watch it 100 more times?  No, especially not since I own a business now, and it's no longer my life.  One in a long long while should remind me of why I don't just go find a crappy corporate job in this insane economy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151804/

Green Zone (Review)

What I knew going in:
Matt Damon takes on Iraq in this war thriller directed by Paul Greengrass of the Bourne movies.  So basically its Bourne 4 in Iraq.

Hype:
Meh.  Bourne 4?  How exciting can that really be?  Sure its got action but Matt Damon - sooooo tired of him right now.

Opening Thoughts:
If you've read my blog at all you know I like it when movies get right into it at the outset.  Don't make me sit through a half hour of slogging boredom to get to the real movie.  Zone is doing a good job of that.  Action is pretty tense and good.

Bottom Line:
Is it Bourne 4?  Yes.  Is it overly Generic?  Yes.  Can you see the plot coming like a cruise missle "mistargeted" at a Haji School?  Yes.  Is it worth watching though?  Yes.  Its one of those films that won't blow you away but it will entertain you and that is more of a plus than the last two piles of scrap I watched.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0947810/

Repo Men (Review)

What I knew going in:
Jude Law and Forest Whitaker star in a dystopian Sci-Fi flick about two guys whose job it is to repossess artificial organs if their owners don't pay on time.

Hype:
Meh.  It doesn't look too science fictiony other than the organs themselves.  Jude Law as an action hero?  He was alright in Sherlock Holmes, but I don't think he's got charisma enough to be a leading man on the silver screen.

Opening Thoughts:
Exactly what you are expecting and nothing you haven't already seen in the trailers.  Very by the numbers.  Nothing is here that will surprise you, challenge your world beliefs, or keep you interested.

Bottom Line:
A typical moral tale during which the "hero" believes in the system at the beginning of the movie, and then takes on the system by the end of the movie.  Equilibrium much, anyone?  Here's the truly sad part:  The action is pathetilame, the dialogue is indy film worthy, and the plot is incredibly predictable; UNTIL THE END.  The end is great even though it could have been pulled off a little better.  Like many other recent films, I've spent two hours of my life in worse ways, but there's nothing here to recommend it.  Want a better dystopian sci-fi film then try The Matrix or Minority Report.  Want a better shock ending then try the Sixth Sense or Impostor.  The only thing that could have made me more disappointed with this film is if it was in 3D.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1053424/

Cop Out (Review)

What I knew going in:
Bruce Willis and comedian Tracy Morgan in a buddy cop flick directed by Kevin Smith. 

Hype:
Meh.  I like Kevin Smith, but this didn't look too good, even from the trailers.

Opening Thoughts:
The opening scene in which Tracy Morgan interrogates a suspect using nothing but movie lines is funny at first, then gets old fast.  And the biggest problem is they keep using the same gag over and over in the first 20 minutes. 

Bottom Line:
As with many films, you may like who is in it, and who is directing it, but sometimes they just fall flat.  There is no chemistry whatsoever between Willis and Morgan.  The Movie Line gag is used so many times I never want to see in in another film, and may have to strike that kind of repetroire from my personal wit.  The plot is so completely nonsensical and stupid it just goes to prove that if you are "in" in Hollywood you can do no wrong, even when you pen the type of Script only Rainman could find endearing.  Does it have a couple funny moments?  Sure.  You should still avoid it like downtown Chicago at 5p.m.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385867/

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief (Review)

What I knew going in:
Another teen book to movie translation starring Pierce Brosnan, Sean Bean, and some angsty emo teens in a film about what it would be like if the ancient Greek myths were alive and well in the modern day.

Hype:
Meh.  Fantasy with good looking special effects.  Frankly, the effects are all I'm interested in.

Opening Thoughts:
At the rate this is going Beavis and Butthead could predict the plot.  None of the characters are really grabbing me as interesting or original.

Bottom Line:
I bet I would have loved this movie when I was 15.  But I'm 38 now and I'm not railing against the injustices of society and my parents.  The special effects are amazing but the rest of the film is very meh.  If you have age appropriate kids take em, otherwise spend your money elsewhere.  Uma Thurman steals the acting show as Medusa and that one scene is kinda fun.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814255/

Brooklyn's Finest (Review)

What I knew going in:
Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke, and Don Cheedle star in a cop film where three cops will end up in the same deadly location at the same time through unconnected events.  Written by Michael Martin who did a lot of the writing for Showtime's Sleeper Cell, which was a great show.

Hype:
Meh.  I've only seen about a million cop movies.  What can this one offer that I haven't seen before?  Sounds like a remake of Crash with more cops.

Opening Thoughts:
Pretty much exactly what I thought.  Cops being cops.  Justifying excessive use of force against criminals who clearly deserve it.   Requisite car chase.  Blah Blah Blah. 

Bottom Line:
Yeah OK we get it.   It sucks to be a cop.  Doesn't matter if its L.A., New York, Chicago, or any other big city.  Terrible things happen to good people and the ends don't justify the means.  Nothing about this movie is original or interesting in the least.  Go watch something else.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1210042/

From Paris with Love (Review)

What I knew going in:
John Travola and Johnathan Rhys Davies in a action film written by Luc Besson of Taken and 5th Element fame.

Hype:
Hobo Ass.  The trailers made this film look like total garbage.  Like Hollywood signed Travola up for 5 films but only had 4 scripts.  I figured if the rest of the film was treated as callously as the preview this movie was going to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.  Problem is, I have buddies who asked me if it was any good and since I am the sucker that will watch anything to save my bro's some pain, I knew I was going to have to see it.

Opening Thoughts:
Yep.  John Travola's character is as painfully lame as he looked in the preview.  All attitude and badass and couldn't be more stereotypical if they tried.  This film is kind of reminding me of The Rookie.  Why can't hollywood writers add a one-liner or two anymore?  Its like everything has to be this hyper-realistic overly contrived super-serious meta-world these days.  Get over yourselves.  One of the reasons Predator was a great action movie is because of the horrible one liners.

Bottom Line:
OK well color me surprised.  Despite everything this turned out to be a pretty decent film.  The plot is good.  The pacing is good.  I didn't totally hate Travola's character after the first half hour.   First movie I can honestly say went from Hobo Ass to Meh+.  You won't be too sorry you Netflixed it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179034/

Edge of Darkness (Review)

What I knew going in:
Mel Gibson in a mystery thriller about the muder of his daughter.  In the same vein as recent flims:  Man on Fire, Death Sentence, and Taken.

Hype:
Meh.  Like I said, I've seen this movie like 4 times in the past couple of years.

Opening Thoughts:
Mel Gibson tries a Bostonian accent.  Its almost kinda passable.  Except for the fact I know he's an Aussie.  All the spoken dialogue in this film is so low its almost whispered.  Ouch.  Shotty to the chest.  Interesting how the entire midsection of her shirt gets ripped away but nothing is shown that would make the movie rated R. Oh wait.  It IS rated R. 

Bottom Line:
Not bad, not great.  This film lies somewhere in the land of meh.  The end was good but I saw it coming from a mile away.  This film doesn't have any surprises, plot twists, or major character development.  I expect more from a script that Gibson signs on for.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226273/

Ninja Assassin (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nobody important stars in a Hollywood backed Chop-Saki Action Thriller about a rogue ninja being hunted down by his clan in the modern day.

Hype:
Meh+  The trailers showed some pretty epic action, and I thought if for no other reason this would be a fun watch.

Opening Thoughts:
Owie.  Pain.  Yuk.  Boring Plot mumbo jumbo.  I don't care that you have feelings.  I only care that you can KICK ASS!  Now go rip some people's limb's off!  GO GO GO!!!! oooohhh...  ahh......  eeeeekkk....  *cringe*  Now That's what I'm talking about!

Bottom Line:
It takes a while to get started after the opening, but you'll probably never see more Human Blood Pinata's, savage deaths, or machine gun speed shuriken in a single movie until we get Ninja Assassin 2.  There are very few films out there that can match this one's brutality and bloodthirst.  Plot?  WHO CARES.  Its a hong kong super kung-fu martial arts action flick, and its DAMN good.  The Special Effects are amazing, especially the chain whip sequences.  I haven't seen a martial arts flick this good since The Protector.  Absolutely in the top ten chop-saki flicks of all time.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1186367/

2009 Awards Ceremony (Part 1)

Queue crappy modern comedian, lame one-liners, and retarded music special guest star appearances!
Here's Tonight's Categories:
Worst Adaptation of a Book, Best Plot Twist, Worst Plot Twist, Best Heroic Death, Worst Heroic Death, and Villian that should have won the day but didn't!

Worst Adaptation of a Book:
The Nominees are:  The Road, Pirate Radio, Whiteout, Circque Du Freak:  The Vampire's Assistant.
The Q Goes to:  ALL OF THEM.  With a combined TOTAL US Domestic Box Office Gross of somewhere between a week's pay for a burger flipper and a tech support representative from Bangladesh, these four films may have disproved my thoery that Hollywood can't lose no matter what they do.  Clearly Hollywood CAN and DOES lose money making garbage.  With a combined total of 150 Million spent and 40 Million earned in Domestic ticket sales, the economy is hitting Hollywood in the shorthairs.

Best Plot Twist:
The Nominees are:  The Box for "This is a Sci-Fi Film?!", The Hangover for "Naked Asian Guy in a Trunk", Star Trek for "Complete Universe Change", and Zombieland for "Bill Murray survives the Zombiepocalypse".
The Q goes to:  THE HANGOVER.  Deep in my heart I wanted Star Trek to win, but lets face it, the first time you watch the asian beat the three hapless heroes of The Hangover with a tire iron, you are left with a broad cross between "should I laugh at this" and "WTF?!?!"  Out of left field with random genius, I can't wait for Hangover 2.

Worst Plot Twist:
The Nominees are:  Wolverine for "His Hottie Fiancee was really working for the bad guys", Knowing for "Psych! It's really Aliens!", Law Abiding Citizen for "Hidden Door behind the Prison Cell's Toity", and Crank: High Voltage for "He's Still ALIVE?!?!"
The Q goes to:  Law Abiding Citizen.  You know, I really wanted to like this movie, but the incredibly lame ending punctuated by possibly the worst plot twist in revenge movie history makes it clear that the people Hollywood has in their test groups don't know their asses from a hole in the ground.  Too bad everyone spent money watching it because it had Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler.

Best Heroic Death:
The Nominees are:  Optimus Prime in Transformers 2, Wikus Van De Merwe in District 9, Rorsack in The Watchmen, and Chev Chelios for Crank 2.
The Q goes to:  Wikus Van De Merwe.  While Optimus's death was heart-wrenching, Wikus becomes more human with each passing hour in his descent into an alien body.  While not technically a death, it certainly qualifies in spirit as you actually feel for Wikus at the end of the film.  The transformation from Villian to Hero to Alien in District 9 is one I will be remembering for quite a while to come.

Worst Heroic Death:
The Nominees are:  Everyone who didn't survive Terminator: Salvation, especially Michael Ironside, The Basterds of Inglorious Basterds, The Human Race in Knowing, and Clyde Shelton in Law Abiding Citizen.
The Q goes to:  Clyde Shelton.  The death of the protaganist in Law Abiding Citizen is so incredibly lame, that you wonder long after the movie is over how someone who is known for being able to script events and master planning didn't see that one coming.  The real truth here is that there is a real wasted opportunity for character development in Foxx, should the script have him realize that, as was stated earlier in the film, "The only way to stop Clyde is to shoot him in the face."  The moral choice of when does our Justice system fail to the point where it is morally acceptable and justifiable to kill another is where this movie should have taken us but didn't.

Villian that should have won the day but Didn't:
The Nominees are:  Clyde Shelton for Law Abiding Citizen, Ozymandius for The Watchmen, The World in 2012, and Skynet in Terminator: Salvation.
The Q goes to:  The World in 2012.  Never before have I wanted to human race to fail and just plain die out.  With pathetic storytelling and cookie cutter characters that were cloned from Independance Day, Someone should just tell Roland Emmerich that he's just joined the Geroge Lucas club for director's who have completely lost their marbles/lightsabers/specialeffects.  Other members include Kurt "How can your second directorial effort have gone so wrong" Wimmer, and Stephen "I like Shia LeBouf a little too much" Spielberg. 

Who knows, I may even get to a Part 2 of the Awards Ceremony this year!  --Q

The Running Man (Classic Review)

What I knew going in:
Arnold "I am ridiculously buff still" Schwartzenegger and Richard Dawson of Family Fued star in a Richard Bachman penned tale of a dystopian future where violence meets game shows.  Richard Bachman was a Nom de Plume for Stephen King. 

How many times have I watched it before:
About a dozen.  It is a classic of Sci-Fi that highlights how 80s the 80s really were, bad special effects, superb physical stunts, and HORRIGROANING one-liners that will make you laugh with their absurdity.

How much fun it was to watch it again:
It was a blast to watch it again while I was doing some other work.  To this day the cheese factor lines still hold up and make you laugh, while the action has gotten pretty outdated with modern action flims like Die Hard 4 and um.... uh.... what else was action but not sci-fi or comic book lately....?

Does the franschise deserve a reboot?
Absolutely.  Generation Xers grew up on films like this and they would flock to the theaters to see a quality remake.  Give it the big budget treatment, and you could easily have the same crowd that is watching Michael Bay bring Transformers into the 21st century.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093894/

The Fourth Kind (Review)

What I knew going in:
Milla "I like to get naked in every film I'm in" Jovovich of such classics as 5th Element and Resident Evil stars as a Psychiatrist whose husband has been murdered.  She attempts to follow the trail he left, which clearly points to him investigating the phenomena of UFO Alien Abduction.

Hype:
Meh+  This looked creepy enough, and after having watched some recently similar fun scare flicks such as Quarantine and Paranormal Activity I was ready for another terroride.

Opening Thoughts:
Its already off to a kind of bizzare start because it mixes actual footage from an interview with reinactment of the key scenes of the tale as a Hollywood Film.  This gives it an extremely surreal quality that doesn't allow the viewer to get into a confortable or familiar place.  That alone makes it noteworthy.

Bottom Line:
Despite what some other critics say, if you are willing to BE scared, this film should scare you.  I am sure that lots of people have gone out and countered the statistics and numbers, but the point here is that anyone who is at all open to the idea of Alien Abduction will be terrified by the story.  Its a fun and disturbing romp through the unknown.  The last time I enjoyed this kind of movie I watched the seriously underrated "The Forgotten" with Julianne Moore.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220198/

January in the land of SUCK

There is a popular phrase amongst movie-goers everywhere....
"January is where movies go to DIE."
Yeah.  Let's take a look at these early 2010 Gems/Germs:

Book of Eli - I don't pay $10 to get preached to by the Churchollywood.  The action is decent, but the message made me want to practice the Joker's recent magic trick on myself...
Daybreakers - More meh than a barrel of mehnkeys.  Some brilliance, some agony of defeat.  Take the good with the bad and hope for better with the next one from this director.
Legion - Angels + End of the World = WORST ZOMBIEPOCALYPSE MOVIE EVER.
The Road - "ZZZZZZZZ" raves the New York Times.  "Boring.  Period." crows the Washington Herald.  "OMG if I was a truck driver I'd wake up with a tree in my eye... cept... I'd never wake... wait a sec that makes no sense at all" says Newsweek.
Year One - OK this was LAST June, but I watched it in January - know what?  Still sucks.  Yeah.  8 months later you can still smell the suck.
The Tooth Fairy - Are you F*ING KIDDING ME?!  The Rock has gone SOFT.  In a not ok sexual way.  Makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

Do yourself a favor and just go see Avatar again.
Noteworthy from January however:  The Red Band Trailer for MacGruber, Watching the Tron: Legacy trailer for the 100th time, Playing Mass Effect 2.

Sherlock Holmes (Review)

What I knew going in:
Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law star in the latest Christmas season action adventure.  That Sherlock Holmes' name and mannerisms are used is purely coincedental.

Hype:
Meh+  A lot of people I know wanted to see this film just because it looked fun.  Could they be right or would Hollywood severly disappoint us agian?

Opening Thoughts:
OK, this is completely different than what I thought it was going to be.  The feel is much darker than I expected it to be, and it reminds me a lot of Young Sherlock Holmes, which was a brilliant and highly underrated film. 

Bottom Line:
Its not going to blow your mind but it does have a ton of original concepts and little touches that make it a good watch from start to finish.  The accents are british enough, and while they are talking entirely too fast and too quietly, the pacing is good and the plot is intriguing.    It seems to me that there is a disturbing new trend to big franchises lately:  Take the first film, do it up with a minor pantheon villian, and then bring out the big guns for the sequel and make it ridiculohuge.  A few examples of this include the recent Batman and Hulk films, and the upcoming Iron Man and Star Trek sequels.  So it follows that Holmes will face off against his big nemesis, Professor Moriarity in the sequel to this one.  In my opinion, and despite the trend, if we can expect the same quality in the big blockbusters as we have received this Christmas season, then Hollywood can have all the money it wants.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/

Passengers (Review)

What I knew going in:
Anne Hathaway plays a psychiatrist looking into an airplane crash where something strange is happening to the survivors.

Hype: 
Meh.  This was recommended to me by a friend of mine, which I hadn't seen even though it was released in 2008.

Opening Thoughts:
This movie keeps flopping back and forth between dramatic tension and creepy music, followed by happy romance and drama.  Each flop, while competent, is spoiling the feel of the movie and adds an unecessary layer of confusion.

Bottom Line:
The twist of the film at the end, while interesting, is a mite predictable.  Still, the ride is fun if a little slow at times, and it all makes sense at the end.  Not as good as The Forgotten, but not bad if you want a movie that will cause you to do some heavy thinking.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0449487/

Astro Boy (Review)

What I knew going in:
Nick Cage stars in a kids film based on the Japanese star of comic books and movies in an American take on the old classic.

Hype:
Meh.  Like all kids films, could be good, could be bad, could scare my niece.

Opening Thoughts:
I really like the attention to detail all of the characters and objects have in this flick.  They've done a great job in setting a new graphical standard for 3D animated kids films.

Bottom Line:
Its fun, its kid friendly, and um...  yeah.  Its exactly what you expect from a kids movie, and there's nothing there to entertain the adults.  Its good background noise in a sea of Meh.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375568/

Avatar (3D Theater Review)

What I knew going in:
James Cameron is back directing the most expensive budgeted movie of all time at $600 million.  A Sci-Fi Epic encompassing a new 3D technology and some of the most impressive marketing ever seen.

Hype:
Jizz in my Pants.  I've been waiting for this movie for over 5 years, ever since I heard Cameron was coming back to big budget Sci-Fi.  His previous entries included The Abyss, Aliens, and True Lies, which are amongst my favorite movies of all time.

Opening Thoughts:
Well, I hoped this film would be awesome and I am not disappointed in the visuals in the least.  Seeing a movie completely shot in 3D is unlike anything you've experienced before.  Every new environment is a feast for the eyes with all sorts of things you've never seen before.

Bottom Line:
Its Ferngully with Robots and Aliens.  The plot and storytelling are pedestrian, but the sights and sound are absolutely unmatched in the history of visual media.  No game, movie, or TV show will amaze you the way this film will, as long as you see it in 3D.  An absolute MUST SEE, and I'm hoping Cameron does at least one or two more epics before he retires again to go film more underwater crap.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/